It’s just a dream

Wow, I just crashed hard. I was tired after today and feeling defeated so I went up to bed to watch a movie or something and couldn’t even keep my eyes open. Slept for over two hours. It’s now 10:30 at night but I’m awake so I guess it’s time to write.

I thought that writing would be a lonely profession but I’m actually finding it quite comforting. It’s not simply a matter of being alone with my thoughts. It’s quite different. It’s like giving the thoughts in my head a friend. It’s letting the thoughts in my head play with my fingers. Reading is also like this for me. A book gives my brain someone to play with.

Dreaming is different. I’m not sure exactly what dreams are but I like to think of it as my brain playing with itself when it thinks no one is looking. Kind of like masturbation for the subconscious. I don’t usually remember by dreams but when I do I try to hold on to as much as I can. I feel like they are important, that they can give some insight into what is going on up there in my head.

I did some pretty hardcore dreaming during my little nap. Most of it has already slipped away but I do remember the final scene before I woke up. It took place in a large inner-city high school. Things were pretty out of control, violent and chaotic. This one kid, not that tall, about my height but significantly overweight, was totally losing his shit. He was knocking other kids down, picking them up and throwing them around and generally causing a huge commotion.

I came in and picked this kid up over my head – I’m very strong in my dreams. I’m carrying him away from all the other kids when a school administrator starts yelling at me, “Hey, what the hell are you doing? Put that kid down!” I put him down and tried explaining to the administrator that I wasn’t hurting the kid, I was just trying to prevent him from harming other students.

Then another student gets up in my grill. I put my hand on his shoulder and say “It’s okay, I’m not trying to hurt anyone. I’m just here to help.” At which point he lashes back at me, “Get your hands off of me you faggot! You can’t just go around touching people. Who the fuck do you think you are? You some kind of pervert?!?” I was really taken back. I was trying to show compassion and understanding to these kids but they were incapable of receiving it. I began to imagine what it would be like to never feel love, compassion and acceptance.

I turn to the chubbier kid, the one who had been tossing students around and said to him, “You are clearly very upset about something. What is it that has got you so angry.” To which he replied, “Man, you don’t know what it’s like around here! We don’t even get no fucking popcorn anymore. We suppose to get popcorn on Fridays. That shit only costs like 25 cents a bag and those bastards took it away!”

Yeah… I understand loss. It can feel worse than never having anything to begin with. It can leave you feeling really pissed off – pissed off at the whole world. So I start asking him more questions about the popcorn and before we knew it we had a group put together to make popcorn of Fridays and sell it to the students as a fundraiser.

Okay… it’s just a dream but the feelings are real. Situations involving these feeling happen all the time. It’s very challenging to be a kid, to not feel loved, to not feel in control. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to comfort them and you certainly can’t control them. Sometimes all you can do is find out what they want and work WITH them to get it in a constructive manner.