Solution to everything

I’m sitting here, racking my brain, trying to recall if I have ever felt this way before. I honestly don’t believe that I have. The thoughts in my head seem completely new to me. The conclusions I am drawing are absolute and novel. I feel like I am finally waking up. Everything seems perfectly clear to me now. Yet I question whether I should even be writing about it. I question whether it will do more harm than good. I question whether I should share this new found revelation. It may be too much for other people to handle. Maybe it’s best that I just keep it secret. And there it is, even in my conviction, I still find my good friend doubt. The epiphanic nature of this discovery has me both convinced of its validity and uncertain of its sustainability. Perhaps tomorrow it will be gone and so I must write about it today.

Virtually every day I wake with the same burning question, whether or not to commit suicide. On each of these occasions I have come to the same answer: I probably better not. Each day I find something worth living for. Each day my curiosity about what will happen next compels me to go and find out.

But not today. Today I woke with absolute certainty of what happens next. This morning I woke with complete clarity of my purpose and the meaning of life. On this day I woke up to the fact that there is no purpose and nothing  matters. On this day I realized that there is nothing worth living for. On this day I became aware that there is no meaning to anything. Life it’self is merely a placeholder between two points of nothing. I am now convinced that there is no reason not to commit suicide.

I’m not trying to be melodramatic. I’m no stranger to the subject of suicide. I’ve had my share of friends take their own life and many more who have tried. I’ve dealt with depression my whole life and depression is the leading cause of suicide so obviously it has been something that I have had to contend with. This doesn’t feel like depression however. This feels like enlightenment. I feel very lucid and clear headed.

They say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well I’m not trying to solve any problems here. I don’t have a problem with problems. Solving problems has been one of the things that has sustained me in life. I just no longer have any interest in doing it. No matter how many problems I solve there will always be more. I’m not interested in playing a never ending game of whack-a-mole. Suicide is the only means by which to stop playing this stupid game.

They say that suicide is a selfish act but I disagree. I think to suggest that I have to stay alive for someone else is pretty selfish. I am not a selfish person. I have spent my life living for other people. If I’m going to go on living I need to do it for myself and I just don’t think that is a good enough reason.

But suicide would hurt the people I love. Well, you know what? Being alive hurts the people I love. At best I’m a mixed bag of joy and pain. Suicide is the only way to ensure that I never hurt anyone again.

They say that suicide is the easy way out but I disagree. If suicide was easy I would have done it long ago. I think that suicide takes a great deal of conviction and bravery, perhaps more than I have.

So is this just a cry for help? Possibly. I would love some help. I would love to be wrong about this. I would love to have someone show me that life does have meaning and purpose but I’m feeling pretty doubtful that can be done. Everything I have seen and experienced has led me to this point and I doubt that anyone can convince me otherwise.

So is this my suicide note? Will I be dead by the time anyone reads it? Probably not. I still think that suicide is pointless, I just now know that life is pointless as well. While there is absolutely no reason to go on living, there is no reason to not go on living either. It may all be pointless but in that nothingness there is freedom.