Good enough

There are ways to make getting drunk alone enjoyable but waking up alone and hung-over is still no fun. So I just laid in bed until my head cleared recounting the previous days activities. I probably started drinking just as I made my last post. I began work on another but quickly turned from writing to talking on the phone. I never got out of the clothes I slept in the night before. I had liquor and pizza delivered to my house. Over the course of fourteen hours I drank eleven beers, half a pint of whiskey and spent eight hours on the phone.

This week has been quite the roller coaster ride for me. I’m very grateful that I have this outlet in which to write about it but even more important to me have been the friends that have stood by me. As much as I want to believe that I don’t need anybody, as much as I want to believe that nobody needs me; the truth is inescapable.

The truth is that there are some people in my life with whom I cannot live without. The scarier fact is that there are people in this world that cannot imagine a life without me in it. There are people for whom my very existence gives their life hope and meaning. I’ve got to say, that is a pretty big pill to swallow. As appealing as suicide seems sometimes, it is simply not an option for me. I have a responsibility to be here. You have a responsibility to never let me forget that.

Seriously, I need your help. I love that there are people who think that I am amazing but I don’t really feel all that amazing. That is simply too much to live up to. The truth is I’m fragile and I hurt. The truth is I struggle and I fuck up. I want to be amazing but when I fall short it is devastating to me. It is devastating to others as well. I really just want to hear that I am good enough but maybe that is not an option. So if i have to be amazing, I’m going to need your help.