Do what you do

After realizing that life has no meaning or purpose other than life itself; after realizing that I have no choice but to live I am faced with the question of how. I have given myself permission to just do it.

I play in a rock band so Saturday night I played a show. I spent all day getting ready not because I wanted everything to be perfect but because it’s what I do. I had no expectations and nothing to prove. I was just going to do what I do. I made some mistakes, not everything was perfect but it was by all accounts a great show. People loved it and I loved the accolades but I would have done it regardless of whether anyone cared. It’s just what I do.

After a show I’m often asked if I had fun and I routinely say, “Yeah, it was a blast!”. Honestly, I don’t even know if I enjoy playing shows. I know if I’m not playing shows I’m disatisfied but I don’t think I play shows because I find them fun. I think being me is fun. I think I play shows because it’s what I do.

On Sunday I drove pedicab for the Vikings-Packers game at the Metrodome. I enjoyed being able to help lost out-of-towners get back to their hotel. I enjoyed giving a ride to a woman who was headed to my very first apartment building in Minneapolis. I enjoyed being the highlight of some people’s day, although I must admit that for Vikings fans, the bar is pretty low.

I’m often asked if I love my job. I tell them that I do, very much. This is way too much work.  I could never do it if I didn’t love it. I think underlying this question is a sense of guilt. Some people express this by stating that they wish they could help me pedal. I tell them to just relax and enjoy the ride. Just let me do what I do. They will have a chance to do what they do when the ride is over.

Friday night and last night I drank until four in the morning. I do enjoy drinking and I’m pretty good at it. It’s what I do when I don’t have anything else to do. In many ways it serves the same purpose as playing shows or driving pedicab. It’s just a lot more fun. When I’m drunk I can just be me. When I’m drunk I live in a world without fear and with no consequences. When I’m drunk I can do anything I want… except play music or drive pedicab.

But I am not what I do. What I do is thoughtless, it is habit. Life is not found in our habits but in what happens when we are really paying attention. I’m going to do what I do but I don’t want to mistake that for living. I don’t want to confuse what I do with who I am. I am a vessel for life.