The truth hurts

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.” – George Carlin

At my core I want nothing more than to be happy and for those around me to find happiness as well. So why do I ask “why” knowing that it is a sure fire way to destroy happiness? To have a job, to have work to do, to find purpose in one’s occupation is a far better path to happiness.

So why do I do what I do? The simple answer is because I can’t not do it. Perhaps it is a form of insanity. All I know is that I have an insatiable thirst for the truth. I am on a quest and I refuse to give up regardless of how difficult or painful it may be. This is my path and I have chosen to accept it.

What troubles me is why I am inflicting it on you. It doesn’t seem fair or kind.  People have asked if I think that I am driven to do this out of ego. I’m sure that there is some of that but I don’t think it’s the driving force. I don’t think this blog is terrible self aggrandizing. I haven’t put that much work into promoting myself or building readership. I’m really just giving what I have to give but am I kidding myself by thinking that this is somehow a gift? I like to look at everything as a gift but that is not a philosophy everybody subscribes to. It’s a philosophy that is pretty difficult for me at times.

Last nights post did not feel like much of a gift. It was actually quite painful. After writing it I felt broken and completely alone.  I never want to read it again and am feeling guilty for having subjected you to it. It was a devastating realization, the realization that my happiest days are over. They lasted two weeks and I’m grateful for that but that may be it.

Today I am done feeling sorry for myself. Today I am just thinking about you. Knowing how painful some of my posts are for me I can’t help but wonder if they are causing harm to others as well. Ideas are dangerous and I don’t want to be so callous about sharing mine. I’m not really. I have plenty of radical ideas that I haven’t dared share but some still slip out.

The temptation is to delete the whole blog but that doesn’t seem right. Legally it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want with it but since I have put it out there I don’t consider it mine alone. This is art and art is meant to be shared. These are shared words. Taking it down would not be an act of healing but an act of destruction.

So I’m going to keep writing because I can’t not write. I’m going to keep posting because I believe it is meant to be shared. If you keep reading, that’s on you. Just know that you may very well be reading the ramblings of a madman. If you take it seriously that’s not my fault.

“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Nightingale and the Rose