Living the dream

May 10, 2013 Leave a comment

Who would have thought that everything that I have been through and done in my life would have brought me to this moment? Not me, that’s for sure. I really thought that this was just a stepping stone to something else. Of course it is, everything is, but it is also a destination. It is time to acknowledge that I have arrived. I am right where I am meant to be. I am a pedicab driver!

Last night I sat down to write a new page for this website. I figured it was about time I focused on building it up and making it better. I managed to write one sentence before giving up. I guess my heart just wasn’t in it. I guess the time for that is not now. Now is the time for me to focus on being a pedicab driver. That’s okay. I can let driving pedicab drive my blog writing. Whatever I do will be driven by passion and right now, I’m realizing that all of my passions point to driving pedicab.

It’s the perfect job for me. It even allows me the flexibility to be there for my kids, my friends, my band or whatever else comes up in the moment. But it’s not just a means to an end. I woke up this morning with the realization that it is an end in and of itself.

I have had a rather varied career path but it has all brought me to this point. I’ve been a musician, a dancer, a social worker, a computer programmer, an activist, a deejay, an entrepreneur,  a salesman, a model, a child care worker, a delivery driver, a graphic designer, a house cleaner and more. All have taught me things that I can use as a pedicab driver. The whole processes of dealing with depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia have brought me to this career. Even my life as a drunk and bar-stool vagabond has given me skills essential to this job.

What really brought it all together for me was realizing that I could use my deejay skills and extensive music collection with the pedicab. Yesterday, on my way to picking up my son from college I bought a portable speaker that I can attach to the cab. I’m going to get to deejay for all of downtown! That’s what I call mobile dj – no requests and I don’t do wedding! Just kidding.

I had been using my songwriting skills on the job but I think recorded music will be better. Here’s the little jingle I wrote as I would sing as I rode around:

Call me crazy, call me insane
But I want to take you to the baseball game
In my pedicab, pedicab
Hey, hey – pedicab, pedicab

I don’t go fast and I don’t go far
I can take you to the stadium or downtown bar
In my pedicab, pedicab
Hey, hey – pedicab, pedicab

What’s lots of fun and totally green
Uses pedal power not gasoline
It’s my pedicab, pedicab
Hey, hey – pedicab, pedicab

Hey, hey, hey – it’s dyn-o-mite
Who wants a ride in my taxi tonight
In my pedicab, pedicab – pedicab, pedicab
Hey, hey, hey

Yeah, it’s stupid but so what. It’s a fucking jingle, my first jingle, by the way. Anyway, gotta lot to do today so I’ll catch you on the flip side. This is just the beginning of everything that comes next…

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It was a good idea at the time

May 9, 2013 Leave a comment

I think I’m becoming addicted to the pedicab thing. From Friday evening until Sunday evening I spent virtually all of my waking hours working. I must have put in a good 30 hours over the weekend.

Sunday was the Mayday Parade and Festival at Powderhorn park. I has such a blast driving people around in my bicycle taxi that my face hurt from smiling so much. The rest of my body hurt too but it was pain well earned.

I decided that if the cost of sobriety was not being able to have a drink after the weekend I just had, it wasn’t worth it. I’m sure that committing to two weeks of sobriety was a good idea at the time but in that moment it just didn’t make any sense.

So where did abandoning my plan lead me?

Well, I started at the Leaning Tower of Pizza where I had a margarita. I also got a free small pizza for my Foursquare check it. Bonus! Pizza requires beer though so I ordered a Surly Furious. After that I met up with my bff at her place. We had a beer together there before heading to the 19 Bar.

I hadn’t seen her since her birthday so I figured shots were in order. We met up with a couple of our other friends so I ordered shots for the four of us, Screaming Yodas, a specialty of our bartender.

Beyond that it was a typical night of cheap beer and deep conversation on the patio. The only time I wasn’t talking to someone was when I was making out with the cutest guy at the bar. Secretly, I think he started kissing me just to shut me up. Oh well, it worked. I was actually getting worn out on all the conversation myself. I headed back into the bar so I could sit and just listen to the jukebox.

My bff and I returned to her place for one more beer and a cocktail. She finished her cocktail and I finished most of my beer. We tried to watch a movie but I didn’t make it through the opening credits before I was out. So it goes.

—

The next morning, Monday, she woke up before I did and made coffee. I think I was actually feeling a bit hung-over. It had been five days since I drank. Maybe my tolerance was low.  All I wanted to do was drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and listen to music. I plugged my phone into her stereo and played the new Cloud Cult album for her. She hadn’t heard it yet although I had posted the video to their first single off the album on her facebook wall for her birthday.

Music is such a huge part of my life and I’ve been missing it as of late. It’s been awhile since the band has done anything, and since I’ve been writing this blog, I haven’t been writing songs. I was very grateful to have rehearsal Monday night.

We are getting ready for the David Bowie Tribute show at First Avenue on May 17th.

Before rehearsal my bff and I got food at Ryan’s pub and then hit the liquor store before heading back to her place. I had a slight buzz going before getting to rehearsal but it was completely gone by the time we were done.

—

Every Sunday and Monday, Dr. Mambo’s Combo plays at Bunker’s Bar. I’ve been seeing this band play for 25 years. It’s a cover band, mostly funk, soul and pop, but it’s made up of some of the best musicians in the city. Some of the members have changed over the years, or some of the members are different from week to week as regular members are out on tour, but some members go all the way back to the 1980’s heyday of music in Minneapolis. You never know who might show up and sit in with them. Even on an off night, as Monday seemed to be, it’s always an amazing time.

I had tried to see them the week before but wasn’t let in. I know now that it was just a fluke. This night I rode up on my bike with a stuffed backpack wearing tights, a vest and a jester’s hat and they let me in no problem. Their only question was if I had any booze in my backpack.

I said,”No, I was hoping you would have some here.”

Like I said, my buzz was gone and I really wanted to get a drink in me. After a couple more I was right as rain. I was dancing and talking to people and having the time of my life.

I wasn’t the only one have a good time. It seemed like everyone was, but one guy in particular caught my eye. He looked like he had come directly from some corporate job. He was wearing suit pants and a blue business suit. He had shed the tie and jacket but was still clearly corporate  He was also dancing his ass off, his hair, a little too long, flopping back and forth. It made me sad. I knew that this person had more spirit and passion than his work garb would indicate.

He came by me and I gave him a nod, “I hope your job appreciates your creativity.”

He said, “Man, I used to be a painter… now I just push numbers around.”

He wound up buying me a beer and a shot as we commiserated about selling your soul for the corporate cause.  As the bar close approached I still had a beer and a half in front of me. I explained to the bartender that they had been bought for me and that I wanted to do my best to finish them but when it was time to go, all they had to do was let me know.

By the time I got home it was after two in the morning. All the houses on my block were dark and I was feeling pretty good. I went inside, stipped off all my clothes and then walked butt naked out into the middle of the street.

I stood there for a moment, all alone in my sleeping universe and I though, “This is what freedom feels like!”

And it did. That is what freedom feels like to me. It’s not just the being naked aspect. It’s not just the fact that for the first time this year it was actually warm enough in the middle of the night to be outside naked. It was doing exactly what I wanted to do knowing that I was harming no one. Sometimes it’s the little things that matter the most.

In any case, that wouldn’t have happened sober. I’m all for sobriety… in moderation. I’m just glad I didn’t try to push it too far.

And maybe my life could benefit from drinking a little less, but maybe not. I didn’t drink at all Tuesday night. I didn’t do much of anything else though either. I really wanted to do some writing but all I could bring myself to do was lay in bed, eat shitty food and watch TV. At least I didn’t have to worry about my BAC when I went to work delivering City Pages this morning. It’s a yin and yang sort of thing.

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I didn’t see that cliff on the map

May 3, 2013 Leave a comment

This whole year I have been running. I have been running to keep from falling down. I have been running because I am afraid to stop. Like a shark, if I stop moving I will die.

While not literally true, this is what it feels like to be me. For the most part, this approach has worked well for me but I have survived enough pitfalls to see it’s limitations. I am convinced that the reason I got sick back in 1999 was because it was the only way for my body to get me to slow down.

I have been on a path on constantly thinking, feeling and doing. I have accomplished a lot. It has been a full life. I honestly believe that if I seize every moment as it comes and make the most of it, when my final moment comes, I will know that I lived the best life I could.

But I also know that I need to take time to just be. But how do I do that? What can I cut out of my life to make room for nothing?

I’m not going to cut out time with my kids. I’m not going to cut out friends. I’m not going to cut out writing. I’m not going to cut out music. I’m not going to cut out working. As it stands, I don’t even come close to doing everything others want from me. I don’t even come close to everything I want from me. I barely, barely have time to do what I absolutely need to do for survival.

Perhaps I could just keep going like this indefinitely but the pragmatist in me says that it is not sustainable. I could just bury my head and keep forging forward but the cautious person in me fears that I may be about to run into a brick wall or off a cliff.

It’s time to get some perspective. It’s time to step back and look at the big picture. I know that I do that from time to time but I don’t know how I do it. What I do know it that one factor that allows me to keep going, even against my better judgement, is alcohol.

I’m going to spend the next two weeks not drinking, just to see what happens. I know that two weeks is pretty much the minimum time needed to assess the effects of a behavioural change. So far it’s been two days and it’s been a mess. I’m sleeping more but when I’m awake I’m running more, thinking more and feeling more. I’ve been doing more but accomplishing less. I have no focus. Basically, my life is in chaos. So the experiment continues…

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We are made of love

May 1, 2013 Leave a comment

It’s been the better part of a week since I last posted so there is plenty that I could write about my life. Despite that, I want to write about something more important than me. I want to write about Cloud Cult.

Photo by Cody York

Photo by Cody York

I first saw Cloud Cult at their CD release show for Aurora Borealis at 7th Street Entry in 2004. I went because my wife’s cousin was friends with the drummer at the time, Dan Greenwood. The Entry only holds about 200 people but I don’t even think the show sold out. Still, it was a full on rock-n-roll show and I was blown away. I’ve been a fan ever since. In fact I think that they are one of the greatest bands ever in existence  I get a lot of grief for loving this band. They are too hippy-dippy for my more hardcore friends and too serious for my hippy friends but I don’t give a shit. In my book, this band rocks! They have meaning and purpose and to me, that is what life is about.

Sunday night I went to the second of their sold out shows at First Avenue‘s main room. It still kind of shocks me that this little band with the big show, that I have been going to see for nearly 10 years, is now selling out the number one live music venue in Minneapolis.  It shocks me to the point that I didn’t even bother to buy a ticket beforehand. Actually, my life is too chaotic right now to plan ahead for much. Luckily, First Avenue holds back a few tickets to sell at the door for sold out shows. This is mostly to prevent scalping but it’s also to be nice to people in the know like me. I was lucky enough to get one of those tickets.

So how does a band go from barely filling the tiny 7th Street Entry to packing the mainroom? A Cloud Cult fan at the show said, “They are so successful because they have stayed true to their values.” It’s true, Craig Menowa, founder/songwriter for Cloud Cult, has blazed this trail doing it his own way. He has been offered record contracts but has turned them down in favor of keeping creative control over his art. I respect that and I think that Cloud Cult is very successful. They are successful to me because they have had a tremendous impact in my life. Rarely have I been to a Cloud Cult show that hasn’t moved me to tears. It happened Sunday night. I’m an emotional guy and I cry pretty freely but not usually at a rock show. I find that impressive, but is that really success? Tears don’t pay the bills. I responded to this guy saying, “You realize they still have day jobs.” I don’t know if that is true of everyone in the band but I know that this band is not financially successful enough to support 8 people. Actually, there are more than 8 people involved in this operation. Besides the people on stage, there are probably some road crew or techs. I met the sound guy who works for the band. I also met the merch person who told me that he refuses to take any money for his work. I respect that too. Art is about more than money.

But wouldn’t one think that a successful band would be financially successful as well? Very few local independent artists are as successful as Cloud Cult. I am racking my brain to figure out how many local bands that haven’t been signed to a major label have sold out the First Avenue mainroom. Trampled By Turtles has done it. Policia did it last Wednesday. I’m pretty sure that Mark Mallman has done it a few times. Maybe Har Mar Superstar. Obviously Atmosphere, P.O.S and Doomtree have done it. The short lived supergroup Gayngs has done it. The band I play for, All The Pretty Horses, has never done it. Before I was in the band, we opened for Peaches at First Avenue. I would like to think that show sold out but I’m not even sure. We are playing the David Bowie tribute Rebel Rebel – Rock for Pussy, a fundraiser for Feline Rescue on May 17th. It would be awesome if that sold out! Still, I won’t get a cent out of that show. Nevertheless, it’s one of the most amazing things that I do every year. There are things more important than money. I think cats are awesome!

But let’s do some math. First Avenue holds 1,500 people. At $20 a head that is 30 grand. That is some pretty sizable change. Especially if you do that two nights in a row. But the club gets a cut of that. Also, it needs to be spread out over the dozen or so people that put on the show. There was an opening act as well. There are promotion expenses, travel expenses, equipment expenses, lighting and recording expenses. These shows are not cheap to put on. Do I even need to mention that it took almost 20 years of really hard work for Cloud Cult to get to this point? I probably do. I told a guy at the show that I had every Cloud Cult album and he responded saying, “Yeah, I have both of them too.” They actually have 11 albums and I don’t really have all of them because I don’t own the first album, The Shade Project from 1994 or the re-release of Lost Songs from the Lost Years from 2009. Still, I have given this band hundreds of dollars over the years in album sales and concert tickets. So have thousands of other people but does that add up to financial security? Not really. Is a person who has been making music for twenty years without really making any money a success or just stupid?

I am convinced that the only way to get rich off of art is to create something that someone else can get even richer off of. But then your art is not art, it’s a commodity, it is a product. There is no way in this world to be a financially successful artist. We all need money to survive but can we admit that it is not about money, it is about survival. Define success anyway you want but to me, Cloud Cult is a successful band for one reason and one reason only. They are successful because 20 years later they are still doing what they do. They are surviving. And they have love. Perhaps love is the definition of success. Love is the title of their latest album and while I hope it makes a lot of money, love is more important than money.

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Without a doubt

April 25, 2013 Leave a comment

I was called arrogant last night. I’ve been called arrogant before. It’s always confused me but I think that I am starting to understand. The ironic part is that I am most often called arrogant when I am feeling the most unsettled and unsure of myself.

This situation typically arises when I am sharing a new found thought, a revelation,  some truth that has presented itself to me. I’m not sharing it to be arrogant. I’m not seeking praise or admiration. Actually, what I am seeking is sympathy and understanding. I actually find these moments very unnerving and they make me feel insecure.

I know that most people hold fast to their personal truths. They give people comfort and a sense of stability. I get those feelings from doubt and uncertainty. For me, they are much more reliably sources. I take great comfort in the knowledge that I don’t know what is true, that I don’t know what is going to happen. Yeah, I’m really fucking arrogant!

However, sometimes I have these moments. Sometimes I make these connections, I put the pieces together and it all becomes clear. In that moment, the abstract becomes concrete in my brain. It’s quite an overwhelming experience and makes me feel really uncomfortable. It’s also exhausting. It takes a lot of brainpower and I’m not that smart a guy. Why do I see these things that no one else seems to see. If I didn’t know better, I would think that I was going crazy.

The fact is I don’t know. I might be going crazy. It certainly feels like what I would imagine going crazy would feel like. Not that I think being crazy is a bad thing. I know many people who experience delusions and some of them are the most brilliant people I know. They make connections that no one else would. But that is not the way my brain works. I may be crazy but I’m my own kind of crazy and I don’t think this experience is an indicator that anything is changing.

I was also told a truth last night. This also made me feel uneasy. Most people hearing this news would have been comforted. Part of me was comforted. Part of me really needed to hear it. It was good news but it also shook the foundation of my being. I mean if you knew that something was a “sure thing” why would you keep trying? What would be your motivation?

Perhaps I am over thinking all of this. Perhaps that’s just what I do. Perhaps that’s just who I am. Perhaps that’s why I’m so fucking exhausted today.

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Keep buggering on

April 24, 2013 Leave a comment

It had to end sometime. I knew I couldn’t keep going like that forever, although I certainly tried. One day I was going to wind up dropping. One day I would have to accept that I live with chronic illness. One day is was all going to come to a screeching halt.

That day was yesterday. After sleeping twelve hours I was awakened by a phone call from my bff. Even though I had gotten twice as much sleep as I usually requires, I still couldn’t move. Every inch of my body was in pain. My brain felt scrambled and I couldn’t focus on anything. Even my vision was blurry. I struggled to muster the strength to make it downstairs to the bathroom only to find that I had exhausted all my energy and crawled back to bed. I spend the entire day in bed only moving to use the bathroom or get food. Chewing seemed like an arduous task.

It’s been awhile since I have had a day like that but there was a time when it was my reality more often than not. It has been a long road to get here from the time I first got sick with chronic fatigue syndrome but it never really goes away. It is still common for me to have a day or two a week that are like that. The biggest change is in what I can do when I am able to move.

—

Last Wednesday should have done me in. I’m pretty sure that if I had gone home after delivering CityPages, it would have.  Instead, I went to the Bad Waitress for dinner and then to the bar. My bff met me there and I crashed on her couch. We had brought a friend back to her place with us because he was concerned about going home to his boyfriend. It sounded like he was in a pretty abusive relationship and his boyfriend had a gun – not a good combination. He had threatened him with the gun in the past. The three of us stayed up talking into the wee hours of the morning. The plan was for the boy to spend the night but I don’t even remember falling asleep. All I know is that when I woke up he was gone. We did get a txt from him later to let us know he was okay.

My bff had the day off on Thursday but she still got up with me so we could have coffee together. After a leisurely cup of coffee with my best friend I was off and running… and running late. I had to stop by another best friend’s place to drop off some newspapers to help in her packing. She was moving this month.

I really hope that I can do more to help but that may not happen. The important thing is not what we have to give, but that we give what we have. If we all pull together and do that, things will be okay.

Then next stop was picking up my daughter from school. I was twenty minutes late picking her up. Half of that was me running late, the other half was the weather. I was not alone in being late picking up my kid. There were lots of kids waiting to be picked up. We were under blizzard conditions and the roads were treacherous. I was really excited to take my daughter to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts for their Third Thursday event. Unfortunately, I didn’t think that would be wise considering the weather. It was hard enough driving during daylight. I didn’t trust myself to be able to get her home after dark. I hate driving at night even under perfect conditions.

Instead, I just dropped her off at her mother’s and headed home. By the time I got home, I had just enough time to shovel my sidewalk (it was already covered with snow by the time I left again), take a piss, rub one out quick, take a shower and get dressed before hopping on the bus. There was no way I was driving anymore and biking seems totally out of the question but I still needed to get to the MIA. I was running on pure adrenaline.

The reason why getting to the MIA was so important to me was because Lisa Germano was playing. She is the woman who borrowed my synth for South by Southwest and I was really looking forward to meeting her. As it turned out, she cancelled the gig. I guess she canceled the whole tour. I don’t know why. Her website has no explanation but these things happen. Kaiser Cartel also canceled and there is no info on their website either.

Oh well. My friend, Savannah Smith filled in at the last minute, so it was good to see her. My bff went with me and another friend who I hadn’t seen in a while joined us as well. Back when we were all single we used to be kind of three peas in a pod. It was good to have that gang back together.

Still, I was struggling. The weather was really wearing me down. As it turned out, it was probably better that my daughter was not there as I was exhausted by the barriers that were being placed before me.

Don’t I have it hard enough?

I keep going because I am afraid to stop. I know when I stop it is really hard to get going again. I feel like I am running while leaning forward. The only thing that keeps me from falling on my face is that I keep moving. I am constantly falling yet constantly moving. Just like the earth is falling into the sun but keeps missing it. It’s physics.

I keep hoping that it will get easier. I keep hoping that Spring will come. I see signs of hope. I see the snow melt. I feel relief is in sight but it never comes. I just have to keep buggering on.

While at the MIA I was asked how I keep my spirits up. I just raised the beer in my hand and shrugged my shoulders.

The truth is that alcohol is a major part of what keeps me going – that and friends, but in my life, the two are pretty intertwined. Music, writing and biking also keep me going but they don’t mean shit without people.

So I decided I would kidnap my two friends and drag them to my work party. It’s not really what you think of when you think, “work party”. I work for CityPages and they throw some of the best parties in town. This one was a roaring 20’s / bootlegger / flapper themed party. Check out some of these pictures from my friend Erik Hess. None of us were appropriately dressed but that didn’t matter. When I walked in I was told that I was dressed in the wrong decade. I responded that I am every decade. Okay, I was dressed in leopard print pants and probably looked straight out of the ’80 glam metal era but so fucking what.

Since I kidnapped them I figured I should pay for the cab. Apparently all of us had money that night because we were all fighting to pay for each other. I’m telling you, if you want to stimulate the economy; give money to poor people. We will spend it! I was fully prepared to spend the $100 I left the house with. Mostly, I just knew that it would be a challenging night and I didn’t want money to stand in the way of me getting home safe. I have no problem spending money on cabs.

As it turned out we didn’t need to take a cab back. Our friend’s girlfriend came and joined us later in the evening. It was great to have a sober ride home. Well, not home, but to the 19 bar. We were too sober to head home but plenty drunk enough to get into a snowball fight – in the car! You kind of had to be there but feel free to use your imagination. I’m not a good enough writer to do it justice.

After the 19 my bff and I headed back to her place with one of her co-workers. On the walk, we had to stop and make snow angels. It’s kind of a winter tradition for us but our first attempt this year didn’t work out so well. I never thought that we would be fulfilling this mission in April.

Snow Angel in April

I love the imprint of my studded belt.

 

The co-worker only stuck around for a little while waiting for her bus. My bff and I stayed up until at least four in the morning. It was a pretty intense night after a pretty intense day. We talked about the death of her best friend and about the significance of our friendship.

I say it all the time but I don’t know if I have ever written it down: this is the best friendship I have ever had – and I have some of the most amazing friendships a person could ever dream of. This woman is just so special to me that I never feel like I have adequate words to describe our relationship. It’s like no other relationship I have ever had. It’s like no other relationship I have ever heard of. It’s like the best parts of family combined with the best parts of friendship combined with the best parts of romance – except without the sex. That is not to say that we don’t have our problems. Our relationship may include some of the worst parts as well. All I can say is that it is amazing, unbelievable and completely unique.

We shared tears that night. We felt incredibly close and vulnerable. I asked if I could sleep in her bed with her. I like to snuggle. She doesn’t usually like this. She likes her freedom to move around. Also, I sometimes grab her boobs in my sleep. I can see how that might make her uncomfortable. On this night however, she was happy to have someone to sleep with.

It was hard enough for my friend to get up Friday morning. I wasn’t as much help as I could have been but I’m sure me being in her bed helped. As it was she was running late for work. I was figuring I wouldn’t be working at all. It still looked like fucking winter outside. In Minnesota, people drive pedicab all year round but even I think that is stupid. I called the pedicab company in hopes that they would tell me that there was no point in coming in. That is not what happened.

They said, “It’s Friday night, there is a big Styx, REO Speedwagon & Ted Nugent show in town and the streets have been cleared.”

Okay, I thought. I’m new at this and they know better than I. If they want me, I’m going to be there. Plus, I know that if I want to keep going I need to stay consistent.  Even if I have a bad night I need to keep buggering on.

I got up, did a load of dishes, went to the store to get cat litter and Drano, came back and changed the cat box, cleared the drain in the bathroom sink and did another load of dishes. Then I hopped on the bus to go home. I still needed to take a shower, shave and wash my blanket for the pedicab. I don’t remember but I’m pretty sure I took time to jack-off as well. As crazy as my life was feeling, I knew that what I was going through was nothing compared to the folks on lockdown in Boston.

Friday was a pretty shitty night; at least it started out that way. I didn’t get a single ride off the big concert at the Target Center. I started working at 8pm but I didn’t start getting rides until after midnight. It still turned out alright. Gay men and drunks are my bread and butter and they totally saved my ass. I know my people.

Saturday was a nicer day so I figured I would go in even earlier. I also wanted to make sure my pedicab was in top working form. It seemed to be but I still was having problems, I presume do to the weather. It was still too fucking cold. Anyway, Saturday was a fun night. Technically, the best night I have had to date. It was also the most exhausting. By the time I was done at 3am, I was beat, and it was snowing. I sent my bff a message to see if I could crash at her place. She lives much closer to the garage than I do and I didn’t think I could make it home. Even if I could, the bike ride in the snow would have been hell.

Sunday morning I woke up on my bff’s couch once again. She wouldn’t have to get up for another few hours but I needed coffee. I also needed a smoke and nobody likes smelling cigarette smoke while they are sleeping. I gathered my things and headed out the door. I still had no real plan.

In the entryway to her apartment building, sitting on top of the mailboxes were a pair of Roland MA-8’s. “Holy shit!”, I thought. These would be perfect for making music on my laptop. I couldn’t believe that someone would just be giving them away. I figured someone in the process of carrying things in and had just set them down. I went outside and had a smoke on the steps while I contemplated what to do. After 10 minutes, no one had come back for the speakers so I figured they were mine. Wow, sometimes the universe is so awesome!

I had been tempted to just head home but after that I figured I should just keep buggering on and see where this day takes me. I love Sundays and I love drinking with people who drink on Sundays. I’m not saying that it was the brightest decision in the world but you are free to judge for yourself.

Here is what happened:

  • CC Club for breakfast – coffee, 2 screwdrivers and a veggie omelet.
  • Conversation on the patio with a conservative about the smoking  ban. We actually agreed on somethings.
  • Two beer.
  • Played darts with a friend and his buddy. They were celebrating my friend getting fired. I won at darts.
  • Started my bike ride home stopping off at the Saloon, a gay bar downtown.
  • $3 gin and tonics. Gay bar strong. Must have had 3. I was pretty drunk.
  • Sat down with a pretty 22 year old college student who didn’t look like she should be drinking alone. This was true. Even her friend who was txting her hoped that she wasn’t drinking alone. She took a liking to me. Started making out with me at the bar. I’m not one to complain about a hot college co-ed wanting to makeout with me but this was a gay bar and I do have a reputation to maintain.
  • I literally poured her into a cab. The cab driver insisted that I come with – not really his job to take care of her. I agreed. There was no telling where this would lead. She was all over me – biting me – I like biting. My judgement was a bit off but I would never have sex with someone that drunk. Still, there is a lot of fun that can be had that falls short of sex.
  • I get her to her destination and the cab takes off. The woman also makes it clear that she is done for the night. Luckily, I took that cab drivers number. He comes back and returns me to the Saloon where my bike is locked up.
  • From there I head to my friend Doug Anderson’s new bar for a drink. It’s called the Belmore/New Skyway Lounge. I hadn’t been there yet and I wanted to check it out. Call it reconnaissance, not just for the band but as a pedicab driver as well. It’s a great space and the bartender was awesome. Unfortunately, we were the only two people there the entire time. I sincerely hope that he does better on the weekends. I’m sure he does.
  • It’s still early so I thought I would hit Bunker’s and catch one of my favorite bands, Dr. Mambo’s Combo. I pulled up to the door on my bike and the bouncer told me to keep moving. Okay, I thought. I’m pretty drunk, maybe I should just go home. I got about a block away and realized that he did not have enough interaction with me to make that assessment. He had no idea who I was, so I headed back to talk to him. This was not cool. His mind was made up. He didn’t care who I was. He was being a prick and he was sticking to it. Fair enough.
  • Next attempt was BJ’s, a strip club. They had me pegged as someone to not let in off of their surveillance cameras. Seriously, they judged me solely on the fact that I was riding a bike and had an overstuffed backpack.  I even had a nice conversation with the bouncer but there was nothing he could do.
  • At this point I was determined to get another drink. I stopped in at Halak’s. No bouncer, no security camera, no problem. I had a beer there and then headed out for a smoke. I decided that it was time to move on but headed back in to hand the bartender another $5 for not judging me. He said I was no problem and was welcome there anytime. This is why I love dive bars!
  • The queen of all dive bars is the T-shop in my neighborhood. I don’t go there very often because they are usually closed by the time I get home. They are a beer-only bar and usually close by midnight. This night I was getting home well before midnight. I really do love this bar. I love Debbie the bartender. Also sitting at the bar was another famous musician in town. He’s the lead singer in a Tom Petty cover band.  We are both talented musicians and songwriters who make our way in the world playing other people’s music. We had a great conversation about that.

Judge me however you want but there was a movie in that night. Maybe I should have just gone home and had my day of doing nothing on Sunday but I wouldn’t have missed that day for anything. Sure, maybe I would have been able to move on Monday if I had, but Monday would never have been as exciting as that.

There is a saying, “Don’t judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes.” Fuck, I don’t give a shit if anyone walks in my shoes. Judge me all you want. I just hope that you will take the time to walk a mile in your own shoes. Most people don’t even do that!

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Burning the candle at both ends

April 17, 2013 1 Comment

I don’t know whether to be embarrassed or proud but I did it. I managed to get through the day. I woke up this morning at exactly 10am in an absolute panic.

I ask myself, “What day is it? What do I have to do today?”

“Oh yeah, it’s Wednesday. I have to deliver CityPages and shit I’m running late!”

While driving to the paper it dawned on me that today was the big Best of the Twin Cities issue.  It’s three times as big as a regular issue with a glossy cover and hard spine. This is the biggest issue of the year and a good deal more work to deliver. It’s the kind of day where getting a good night’s sleep would have really helped.

That’s not what happened though. Instead I stayed up until four in the morning talking on the phone and drinking. What was I thinking?

My plan was to spend the evening writing a new blog post. I have a couple great ideas for articles I want to write. Instead I wound up going over and over my last post, rewriting and correcting errors. Turns out I’m a pretty shitty writer, especially when I’m drunk. Sure the words flow easier when I’m lubricated but perhaps that is not always a good thing. Since my blog is starting to get some attention I think I owe it you, the reader, a fresh re-read in the morning before hitting that “publish” button.

By the way, I did just reread that last post and still made a few corrections. I offer no guarantee that future posts will be much better. I really need an editor!

So I never got to writing last night. Instead I took the time to drunk dial some of my friends. I got to talk to one of my closest friends who lives out of state. We only had about 10 minutes to talk but it was really good to catch up.

I went on facebook to see which of my friends were up. There I found a musician friend of mine who I hadn’t heard from or seen in months. I’m used to him randomly drunk dialing me but it had been quite a while since that happened. I wanted to know how he was doing so I gave him a call. Turns out the reason I hadn’t heard from him was because he has been sober for the past three months.

I told him I thought that was wonderful and promised my support in any way possible. We talked about sobriety, the importance of friends, bands, music, songwriting, and writing in general. We talked for almost three hours.

By this time, I figured that one of the mutual friends we had been talking about would be home from the bar. I decided to give her a call. I knew that she would also be supportive of our friend’s sobriety. I talked to her for a couple minutes and then she handed the phone to her co-worker who was hanging out with her.

I don’t know if I have ever talked to my friend’s co-worker before but we talked for a good half hour last night. This was another great, deep conversation about age, knowledge and wisdom.

Next thing I knew it was approaching four in the morning. I really needed to get some sleep. I needed to work in the morning. Really, what was I thinking? I never should have gone to the liquor store the day before the Best of… issue.

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Everything I know

April 14, 2013 Leave a comment

I just watched this tonight. I couldn’t do much else today but to be honest, if this was all I accomplished, it would be enough. My entire life I have been thinking, trying to figure out the world. To this date, the Movie The Matrix may summarize everything I have learned. Okay, maybe I have learned a thing or two more, but not much. When I first watched the movie I didn’t realize how much of my philosophical thought was contained within. If you want to know everything I know, watch this!

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I know some shit you don’t know

April 14, 2013 5 Comments

If I’m not writing, which has been more the case than not lately, I am living. That is not so say that writing is not living, for it most certainly is, only to say that there is much more going on when you don’t hear from me than when you do. If you have read all of this blog, you may have realized that it is not really a blog about what I do, but a blog about who I am, or really who we are. It is a blog about philosophy and spirituality. In essence, it can’t be about anything else.

So here is one day in my life. This day was in many ways special. This day was a culmination of everything which I have ever experienced. It is also a depiction of everything that I have never experienced. In that way it is completely ordinary.

I want to start by telling you about meeting a group of young Christians on the street. I was driving pedicab and I drove over to make contact with this group of people. That is my job. At least that is the way I see it. I seek to make connections with people downtown in hopes that I can help them. I want to help them have a good time, help them get where they are going, help them in any way possible. In return, I hope that they will help me, usually with money.

Their initial question for me was, “What is your favorite thing to do downtown?”

Okay, I’m an adult. These people were college students. What I would find interesting may not even be available to them. I like going to bars and meeting people. Still, I told them about what I liked to do.

This was actually a very poor response. Not only did it not help them, it was an inaccurate representation of what I had to offer. But that is because the question was not genuine. It was merely a ploy to engage me in conversation. It was, for lack of a better term, a “come on” line. You can’t expect an honest answer from me without first asking an honest question.

The next question was a request to participate in a questionnaire. I agreed because I rarely reject requests. Like “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski, I just abide. It didn’t take me long to realize that it wasn’t really a scientific questionnaire but an attempt to proselytize.

This is my problem with religion. It’s also my problem with advertisement, or sex for that matter. It’s not that there is anything wrong with religion or sex or the products people have to sell, but if you have to use means of deception to get your intentions met, I think that is fucked up. If joining your religion or having sex with you or buying your product is all that great, you wouldn’t need to lie.

Still, I was intrigued by their questions so I figured I would play along. The questions were interesting and did have me thinking all day. By that I mean that the answers that I gave in the moment may not be the answers I would give now.

One of the questions was, “What is the one thing that you hope to accomplish in this life?”

I said, “Not dying.”

I stand by that answer. It’s not that I am seeking immortality, only that while I am alive, staying alive is my ultimate goal. Everything else that happens along the way is incidental. It may be amazing, it may be horrible, but none of it happens without being alive. Being alive has got to be my first goal.

They also asked what I thought would happen when I die. I said, “I don’t know. I’ll deal with that when I’m dead. I’m not dead now and I’m pretty fucking busy being not dead.”

I’ll stand by that response too.

Then they asked, “If your best friend came to you and said that they wanted to become a Christian but they didn’t know how, what would you tell him?” (I love how they assume my best friend is male.)

I told them, “I would tell her to talk to a Christian.”

That was a complete bullshit answer. I should have told them to, “fuck off, you fucking fucks!”

Of course, I would never actually want to do that. That would be mean and I try really hard not to be mean. Still their question was totally disingenuous and deserved a more harsh and honest answer. I mean really, this is America, who the fuck does not know how to become a Christian? But what should I have expected. Their whole presentation began with decept. Did I really owe them an honest answer? Didn’t I give them enough of my time? I was working after all. What were they giving me?

Actually, they gave me plenty. Even through their deceit and manipulation they gave me insight into the workings of the human race. Every interaction with every person has something to teach me. I actually wish that I had given them more.

They also asked if I wanted to know God. I said that God and I were pretty tight. I wish that I had told them that God says s/he doesn’t appreciate people lying to get h/ir word out. Maybe I have a different god than they do but my god believes in honesty and integrity.

—

So I went to a party after work and it came out that I’m not actually Jewish. It’s not really a secret but the whole “coming out” process is not a, tell someone once and it’s done, sort of process. It’s an ongoing, never ending process. The truth is that I am as much Jewish as I am anything else, which is nothing, which I perceive as everything, which includes atheist .. so accept me or argue with me or try to convert me… none of it really matters because I am still me. The only way to fight me is to deny that I exist. So far in my life no one has ever successfully done that, but I welcome the challenge.

The real question emerged which was how I went from Judaism to Paganism. The fact is that the more I learn, the less dogmatic I become. The truth is that Paganism is still way too dogmatic for me. This led me to Hinduism and Buddhism which really brought me back to Christ – not Christianity as in the  Church but the dude himself. In essence, all these paths are the same. They all teach the same lessons. Where they differ is in dogma and ritual.

The key to my spiritual journey was never getting caught up in the dogma. The key was never believing that ritual held the answers. The key was continuing to ask questions and keeping doubt alive. This is the key which atheists possess although I doubt that they realize the spiritual power contained within that practice.

If there is a spiritual truth it can’t be dependant on faith. It must be found in doubt as well. If it is truly omnipresent, it must be that which can be found everywhere. If God exists, s/he exists regardless of whether anyone believes in h/ir or not. The gifts bestowed upon the faithful would be just as available to the faithless. If there is a God of everything then belief is irrelevant to God’s existence and intention.

—

I used to think that I knew everything. In a way, I did. I knew everything that I knew I knew and it all made sense and I was content with the world. Then I learned something new and my whole paradigm shifted. The world was no longer in balance. But I learned more. Eventually I got the world back in balance. Everything made sense again. Until I learned something new. This has happened countless times in my life.

Socrates is known for saying, “The only thing I know is that I don’t know anything.”

Rene Descartes is known for stating that the only thing he knows is, “I think therefore I am.”

While these two men accomplished far more to elevate their words than a mere paperboy or pedicab driver may ever achieve, perhaps even more than a rockstar may achieve, they both lived before the power of the internet so when I say what I am about to say, and I will say it over and over again, who knows what will happen with my words.

All that I know is that whatever I know, there is far more that I don’t know.

These are words I live by. They also come in handy with dealing with people that are way smarter that I am. For all that they know, there are things that I know that they don’t. This is true for everyone I meet. The dumbest person I meet knows something I don’t know. Everyone matters. Everyone holds a part of the key.

Nothing that has ever happened in your lifetime happened without you being here. YOU MATTER!

There was more that happened yesterday.

There is more that I want to write about but I think that I have made the main point I wish to accomplish. I will make one more post today if you need more philosophical thought. Otherwise, keep reading… it will all come out eventually… perhaps even if I die.

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Sunday, snowy sunday

April 14, 2013 1 Comment

Seriously. It’s the middle of April. I can deal with rain in April. I don’t even need every spring day to be beautiful but one would be nice.Yes, I know, it’s awfully pedestrian to bitch about the weather but it does seriously affect my life.

Today I woke up at 9am with one thing on my mind; working pedicab for the Twin’s game against the Mets. Nope, not gonna happen. That game was postponed due to the fact that the weather is really really shitty!

I called the pedicab company to inform them that the game had been called off and asked if it still made any sense to work. They said that if the weather is that bad that there is no point coming in.

“Fine.” I said. “I’ve got plenty of other things going on in my life.”

Which is true, I do have many things going on in my life. Unfortunately, they are all affected by this miserably weather as well. Nope… I really don’t want to do anything today. That really kind of sucks. I so wish I was able to get other things accomplished on days like this. Shitty days just sap my passion. Beyond necessity, beyond survival, passion is the only thing that drives me. Come to think of it, my need for survival may only be driven by my passion as well.

So what can I accomplish on a day like this. Let’s see, should be pretty easy to recount. I made coffee to wake me up. Realizing I had nothing I had to do today I later made a cocktail, afterwhich I took a nap. I woke up and jacked off. Then I made myself a salad. I ate it while watching Doctor Who on Netflix. Inspired I tried to find something more intelligent to spur my brain so I turned to the Aspen Ideas Festival website. Unable to find inspiration in anything there I turned back to porn. That gives me temporary relief from the numbness at least but soon after I found myself experiencing hunger. I made myself a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich.

Now I’m going to grab a beer and return to Doctor Who. I’m still hoping that I can use this day off to write something brilliant. I have so many thoughts in my head, just no will to do anything with them.

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