People before profits

July 15, 2013 Leave a comment

* Oops, forgot to post this before I left yesterday.

This has been an amazing weekend driving pedicab. The weather was great even if it was extremely windy at times. The Basilica Block Party was going on Friday and Saturday and Kenny Chesney was playing Target Field on Friday night so there were tons of people downtown. It was one of those weekends where you didn’t have to look for riders; they were lining up begging for rides. I gave a lot of fun rides and made pretty decent money. There are so many stories I could tell but I can’t fit it all in here. Still, let me see if I can sum up what I took away from this weekend in a few words.

This job has done wonders for me in so many ways. I’m in the best shape of my life. Every week I get stronger; hill that used to push me to the limit now barely cause me to break a sweat. It’s also improving my social skills and my ability to connect with people from all walks of life. These are both skills that I’m going to need as I move forward with my dreams.

Where I’m still struggling is with the issue of money. I’m making enough doing this that I’m worried about losing my Social Security and more important my health insurance. My motivation for doing this job is not the money but it is so tied to the job that at times it can be hard to separate the two.

After the Basilica Block Party let out there was a line of people wanting rides. All the pedicabs was called down to the concert but we couldn’t get cabs there fast enough to meet the demand. Figuring I would only be able to get one ride out of there because I was coming from the complete opposite end of downtown I decided to not take a ride for less than $20.

Before I could even pull up I had two couples wanting a ride. The first couple asked how much to Brit’s Pub and I told them $20. They thought that was too much which perhaps it was but tried to explain the economics of the situation. Taking a pedicab is a luxury, not a necessity. It’s something that you do for fun even though you could walk. They decided to walk.

I told the next couple the same thing and they also balked at the price. I’m sure that within five minutes I would have found someone that would have paid that or more but I was already feeling bad for not taking rides so I told this couple they could pay me whatever they wanted.

We were only going about five blocks but with all the traffic leaving the concert location it took some fancy driving and creative thinking to maneuver around and through all the cars. I was still hoping to be able to drop them off quickly and get back for another ride.

At one point the guy in my cab said to his wife, “he’s all about business”. I think he meant it as a compliment but it told me that my mind was not where I wanted it to be. I wanted my mind to be on giving my current passengers the best ride I could, not on my potential next ride. I quickly refocused and put my attention on my passengers. In the end he still tipped me $20 and when I got back to the Basilica everyone had cleared out and there were no more rides. Things turned out exactly as I thought they would but it didn’t happen by focusing on money. It happened by caring for people.

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Homeless or homefree

July 13, 2013 2 Comments

Working downtown I encounter a lot of people who are homeless. There are many different reasons why someone may find themselves without a permanent place to call home so I really don’t want to put them in one definitive category. For many it’s an absolute tragedy and a disgrace that we as a society can’t do a better job of caring for our fellow earthlings.

For some abandoning the shackles of a permanent residence is simply the best of the available options. Some may wish for better options but for some being homeless is a viable solution to the challenges life presents. I prefer to call these people homefree. Unencumbered by unnecessary belonging; physical, geographical and emotional ties, their daily needs for food, shelter and security are real, tangible and attainable. It may not be a perfect life but no life is. I don’t judge anyone for how they manage to survive so long as it doesn’t require hurting other people. When I look at all of the people downtown it’s not those we call homeless that are causing the most harm.

In a way I envy them. I look at the problems in my life and most of them have to do with maintaining permanence; my home, my possessions and my relationships. Sometimes I wish I had more important things to worry about – not to suggest that relationships aren’t importance, they are. It’s just that when it comes to maintaining relationships the problems seem to stem from the expectation and insistence on permanence. It might be better to accept, support and even encourage the inevitability of change.

Currently my biggest problem is a drippy faucet in my bathtub – a first world problem for sure. It’s a small drip but I still figure it is wasting five gallons of water a day. I have a bucket catching the water so that I can recycle as much as possible but that’s not a permanent solution. I know how to fix it, I know what I have to do, I just don’t know if I’ll be able to get to it before Monday or Tuesday and it’s really not what I want to be doing with my precious time.

Still, as I was biking home from downtown last night, rain beginning to fall as a major storm approached, I felt very grateful that I had a climate controlled and safe place to sleep.

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Instant karma

July 12, 2013 Leave a comment

Man I was spacey yesterday. I just didn’t seem to be able to get it all together. At no point was this more prevalent than when I was backing out of the parking spot after grabbing some food at Subway. I don’t know what I was thinking about or where my head was at but the next thing I knew I heard a crunch behind me and my van came to a stop. I looked back to see that I was butt to fender with a big blue SUV. I pulled back into the parking spot I had just attempted to leave and got out to talk to the driver of the other vehicle.

Out came a very distraught young hispanic woman. I told her how sorry I was and asked what she wanted to do. As it turned out it wasn’t her truck that she was driving so she got on the phone to call the owner. I stood by waiting to find out how this was going to play out. I was concerned because I was on my way to pick up my daughter from an appointment and I had no idea how long this was going to take.

It actually didn’t take very long at all. The SUV was blocking traffic that was trying to leave the parking lot so when I saw her pull out onto the street I figured she was just going to find a place to park so that we could finish our conversation. Instead she just drove away. I waited for a good five minutes just to see if she was going to return but she never did.

I felt bad because I really wanted to make things right. This wasn’t something that needed to be an insurance claim; considering that both of our vehicles were already a bit banged up it seemed pretty unlikely that there were going to get the minor dent fixed. Still, I would have liked to give her some money or something.

Yes, I was relieved that now I could now go get my daughter but I carried with me an unsettled feeling that karma was out of balance. I knew that I would have to do something to make things right with the universe.

Fortunately I have one of those jobs that gives me countless opportunities to help people. While biking down 3rd Avenue in my pedicab on my way to see if I could give rides to the theatre crowd when Pride and Prejudice let out I passed a woman crossing the street.

She hollered out, “How much do you cost?”

I circled back around. She was carrying a huge garbage back that probably contained everything that she owned.  “Whatever you can give me”, I answered.

“I don’t have anything.”

“Well, I guess it’s free then.”

I hate it when people ask me for a free ride, I just think that is rude, but I love giving them whenever I can. This woman was so overwhelmed that someone would stop and help her while expecting nothing in return. She simply couldn’t believe it. My attitude is that I am here to help as many people in any way I can and trust that the universe will provide me with what I need.

I must of spent half an hour with this woman. She didn’t know exactly where she was going and her phone had died so she couldn’t even look up the information or call anyone. I took her to Noodles & Company in Northeast Minneapolis which I noticed had outlets available where she could charge her phone. I waited with her until her phone charged enough that she could call her friend and then I waited with her until he arrived. She really wanted to give me something. I said that she could give me a hug which she did. Apparently, that was not enough because she began digging through her purse until she found a dollar to give me. I accepted it but later that night I gave the dollar to another person who was homeless and asking for money.

Five minutes after leaving my new friend I picked up a couple outside of The Bulldog NE. They wanted to go to the Gay 90’s for the drag show and wondered if that was too far. I told them, “Not at all, I would love to give you a ride to the 90’s”. They hopped in and off we went.

Once we reached their destination they asked me how much they owed me. I gave them my usual pitch about giving what they’ve got to give. The woman asked if a hundred dollars would be good. I said a hundred dollars would be very good. The man reached in his wallet and handed me one hundred and fifty dollars for the ride – the biggest tip I have received to date.

At this point I could have called it a night and gone home. It would have been a $60/hour night. But that’s not the way karma works. You don’t do one good deed for one person and the next person repays you. It’s an ongoing thing so I kept going. I took that love and gratitude and spread it around downtown Minneapolis for the next five hours. In the end it wound up being a $34/hour night which is still well above average.

 

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Armageddon It

July 11, 2013 Leave a comment

Is it just me or is no one getting laid these days? I remember when I was 19 or 20 I used to go out to the bars every night and I would say half the time I would hook up with someone. That may not be my objective when I go to the bar these days, I’m not sure it was my sole objective then, but it still is a primary objective for a lot of people when they go out drinking. It just doesn’t seem to be working.

What has changed? I realize that we have AIDS now but it was around in 1987. Furthermore, we know what to do about it. We know how to have sex more safely and we understand that there are a lot of different ways to have sex, some with no risk at all. It just seems like there should be more casual sex going on.

A friend last night suggested that with the prevalence and easy access to porn on the internet that people are simply meeting their sexual needs themselves. I think there may be something to that. I know that it is a factor for me. Life is crazy, sex is complicated, if I can meet my sexual needs without much effort I’m going to do it. I’m still the best lover I’ve ever had. I know exactly how I like it. I know exactly what to do and when. Still, there is something missing. There are some things you just can’t do alone.

I think another part of the problem is sexual anxiety and it’s a completely valid anxiety. By the time someone hits 30 (or even 22), chances are they have had at least one absolutely disastrous sexual experience. These experiences are traumatising and make people very wary of hopping into bed with someone again. No amount of booze or bass thumping beats can overcome that.

But come on people, we can handle this. We’ve all been there, we’re all in this together and we need each other more than ever. We need to remember that sex is fun and sex is important. We need to start talking to each other about it;  what we want, what we need and what we fear. We should be drinking to lower our inhibitions, not to forget that we’re not getting laid.

Of course maybe the only thing that changed since 1987 is that Joe Elliott has gotten old and the mullet has gone out of fashion. Here he is in 1987:

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The times they are a changing

July 10, 2013 Leave a comment

Fuck! It seems like weeks since I’ve written. Oh look, yup, it’s been two weeks. What could have happened in that time? Well a lot. I’ve been a busy boy but it’s all in the past now. This blog is about the moment… and about my mind and the fact is my mind has not really been in the moment lately. I am in a period of transition – just as much of the world is it seems. The past two weeks have been spent appreciating that fact and poising myself for what is to come.

I expected Pride to be different this year, what with same-sex marriage recognized both here in Minnesota and by the Supreme court. We have our first male player on a professional sports team to come out. These are major milestones in what continues to be a long struggle for equality. What I found different this year was just how “normal” being gay is (at least in Minneapolis). Pride really felt more like St. Patricks day only instead of wearing green and being Irish for a day everyone dressed in rainbows and was gay for a day. It was also a helluva lot bigger that St. Patty’s day but hey, June is a helluva lot better of a time that March to have a celebration. I don’t know how everyone else feels about gay being the new green but I’m pretty okay with it. We are all part of some minority group and we are all judged for it but if we have reached the level of acceptance enjoyed by the Irish – I can work with that. Pour me a Jamison, bitches!

But most of this “period of transition” that I have been processing is purely personal. A year ago, I was engaged to be married, had my son living with me and was seriously struggling after a suicide attempt. I wouldn’t say that my life is any less stressful now but the things I’m dealing with are quite different.

The biggest change, and the one that concerns me most, is that none of my support system over the past few years are still playing that role in my life. They have all either moved away, moved on or been kicked out. I’m not sure that is a bad thing. Much of who we are and what we do is effected by the people closest to us and I am clearly getting ready to do something different. I’m going to need some different people.

What concerns me is that none of the people that know me the best are currently keeping an eye on me. I think that I am heading in the right direction; I think that I am making good decisions; I think that things are getting better; but I could be wrong. Without anyone else around I am left to my own devices.

Perhaps that is what this blog is for. Perhaps for what comes next I am going to need all of you to be my reality check. If I’m truly to do something different I’m going to need as many different people in my life as I can find.

 

NOTE: the title of this post is an homage to Bob Dylan who is playing tonight in St. Paul.

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Happy pride

June 28, 2013 Leave a comment

I’m probably at one of the lowest, weakest points of the past many years but it’s Twin Cities LGBT Pride Weekend so it’s time to pick my chin up, sport some rainbows and celebrate!!! After spending the past 20 years of my life fighting for LGBT rights, we now have marriage equality in Minnesota and DOMA and Prop. 8 have been overturned by the US Supreme Court. This could be the happiest Pride event ever and I’m going to be there helping out, entertaining and spreading  joy with my pedicab.

Cue the horn section because I’m coming out!

Diana Ross – I’m Coming out

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Boys don’t cry

June 26, 2013 Leave a comment

Ah… what a day.

I hate driving and so when I have to drive I try to get all my driving business done in one shot. So today I delivered City Pages, went to the co-op, got cat food, dumped my recycling, did a “break-up” exchange of borrowed items, retrieved my synth which has been on loan for three months (but only needed for a week), stopped by Target and Batteries Plus to get stuff for my pedicab (big pride weekend) and visited my parents. 

Driving around gives me a lot of time for thinking. Did I mention a break-up? Yeah, that was the big thing on my mind today. I could write a lot about that but I can’t do it without including this song:

 

I’ve always loved this song but I’ve never been able to relate to the bridge quite like I have today. 

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
Thought that you needed me more

I definitely misjudged limits which is easy to do. Still, I never wanted to push anyone too far – but I did.  I would never take anyone for granted  – but I did. This was a situation where I really wanted to. I really wanted to believe that I had that kind of security and so there were times where I acted as if I did. But I was really, really wrong. Perhaps I was right when I said that nothing is for certain, nothing is guaranteed – but I really want to be wrong about that. Mostly I just wish that this person needed me more. I am one of those people who loves to be needed but I’m learning to embrace that fact people can get on just fine without me. I’m just hoping that they get on better with me.

Technically, I don’t know if this is a break up. I don’t actually know what it is. I just know what it feels like and honestly, it’s one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life. I would put it up there with the way I felt when my daughter wouldn’t talk to me after her mother and I split up.

But what I find interesting is that I’m not crying about it. I’m not laughing or lying, like in the song, but I’m coping. Yes, it’s extremely painful but I feel at peace. In part that is because of what I have been through and what I have learned. My daughter and I now have a great relationship but it wasn’t achieved through fighting or forcing or falling apart, it was achieve through letting go… while never giving up. 

The other reason why I’m not crying is because I still feel so filled with love. I have so much love for this person and there is so much love around me that I know whatever happens – it will be alright. I know that this person will be alright and I know I will be alright. 

But it’s still really stressful… so now I must go dance!

 

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Mixed emotions

June 25, 2013 Leave a comment

I’m still high on hippie love from Project Earth at Harmony Park. It was an incredible weekend. I worked hard and I played hard. I interacted will all sorts of amazing and beautiful people but what just blows my mind is how much I felt appreciated for just being me. I was asked to participate in this event. I was wanted. I just showed up and did what I do. I helped set up and tear down the Kiddie Village and I played some of my own songs on the Kiddie Village stage. It really wasn’t that much but I was made to feel like I had contributed something meaningful. I mean, people actually really liked my songs which still kind of freaks me out. Other than that I just dressed in my usual crazy clothes and pranced around enjoying the music and talking to random people at the festival.  This is just what I do but everywhere I went I was met with hugs and smiles. It’s empowering and makes you feel like you could change the world.

But then I returned home to message containing  this quote by Danielle Koepke:

“You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend or new acquaintance- You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behaviour and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they have to go.”

I really like this quote; I even wrote her to let her know. I don’t like it so much when someone uses it to refer to me as a toxic person who has to go. That really hurts.

So today has been spent doing a lot of soul searching. How is it that all of these people who barely know me at all can show me so much love and then someone who knows me as well as anyone thinks that I’m toxic? Logic would suggest that I really am a toxic person. Logic would suggest that if I want people to like me I probably shouldn’t let them get to know me that well. Logic would suggest that writing this “tell all” blog is probably the worst idea in the world.

But logic does have it’s limitations. There is something deeper than logic and that is the truth. The truth is not always logical, nor is it always pleasant, desirable or even practical. My quest is for the truth, even when it is not pretty, even when it doesn’t benefit my self interest and without regard for whether it makes any fucking sense at all.

I actually don’t believe that there are toxic people. I believe that people can be in toxic relationships and that the relationship has to go but I don’t believe that people are inherently toxic or nontoxic. The truth is we all have toxic elements to us or elements that are toxic under certain conditions.

I really liked that part of Danielle’s quote where she talks about owning up to your behavior and making an effort to change. I think that this is an important component in any healthy relationship but you also need to personally believe in the change that you are making. It needs to be a change that makes you a better person, not just a person who is better able to live in a toxic relationship.

When I wrote Danielle I included these thoughts of my own:

If you don’t want to change, if you are comfortable with your behavior and are let go because of it – that’s okay too. You are being let go to go be yourself. Embrace your freedom!

I try to have the best relationship I can with every person in my life. I love everyone with all my heart but everyone is different so every relationship is different. It’s sad when it happens but some relationships are toxic and in those cases, the best relationship is no relationship at all.

 

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Overdid it?

June 18, 2013 Leave a comment

I was a bit fried and frazzled yesterday after my Sunday Funday but I made through just fine. I got my blog posted, retrieved my bike, made it to my therapy appointment and had a good night at my pedicab job. Actually, I was feeling pretty great by the end of the night. I was up for another half hour after crawling in bed which it about 29 minutes longer than I usually last.

Today was a struggle. I feel like I’m running at about twenty percent efficiency. It’s really not a big deal. I have days like this on a regular basis. It’s just the way the story goes but when I tell people that I’m having one of these days the typical response is, “Oh you overdid it!”

I understand this response. For the longest time I wanted to believe that was the case. I wanted to believe that my bad days were caused by something within my control. I wanted to believe that they were caused by pushing myself too hard, not knowing my limits and overdoing it. The truth is that these “bad days” are actually my “normal days”.  The days where I am doing stuff or even overdoing stuff are the exception. It’s just that after years and years of learning what I can and cannot do by pushing myself, testing my limits and just doing it I have turned a life of chronic illness into a life of that is really quite exceptional.

But that’s all you get from me today. I managed to take care of my daughter, take out the recycling and mowed the lawn; I totally feel like I overdid it. I’m sorry, but I’m having a normal day.

And just as a heads up, I’ve got a really busy day tomorrow and will be cut off from most technology this weekend so you may not hear from me until next week.

~Peace

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Blacked out and lucky

June 17, 2013 Leave a comment

“Sometimes I go to extremes
That’s how I understand what’s in between
Moderation in all things
has got to include moderation it seems”

– Cute Drunk by J Evan LeFreak

I had thought that I lived a pretty wild life but last night really showed me just how tame my life is. That’s probably a good thing. I don’t need to be doing that every day but from time to time it’s a good idea to remind my self just where that limit is.

It all started pretty normal. I had worked 14 hours the day before and didn’t get to bed until 5 in the morning. I woke up around noon with half a dozen txt messages wishing me “Happy Father’s Day”. I responded to them and called my dad to wish him the same. I had hoped that my daughter and I could spend the day at the Stone Arch Art & Music Festival but she wasn’t feeling well so I just drove out to her place and we went for a little walk. I also got to talk to my son who is away at college and spending the summer doing a work study job. He sent me this video.

Done with all my fatherly and son duties it was time for this dad to go play. I hopped on my bike and rode to Grumpy’s. Last summer this was a regular Sunday afternoon activity but not so much this year. I had one beer there before it started to rain and I decided to head to the Knight Cap with has a covered patio. There I met a group of servers who were proceeding to get shit faced wasted after working Father’s day brunch at a nearby restaurant. We became instant friends. I don’t know if it was the pink cowboy hat or the fact that I always answer 24 when someone asks how old I think they are but they really took a liking to me.

After a few drinks at the Knight Cap “G”,”V” & “J” dragged me off to the strip club. It was at this point that I realized I had lost all control over the evening and that I was okay with that. I was concerned about “G” driving because because she seemed pretty drunk but did fine on the way to the strip club. From the strip club to the Saloon is another story. I seriously thought we were going to die.

To make a long story short because I’m running out of time to write and because my memory is a bit foggy from this point on… we did make it to the Saloon alive. I lost track of the crew there and decided to leave. I checked the parking spot and they had left as well. That was fine with me because there was no way I was getting back in that car. The next thing I remember was arriving at Pizza Luce. I don’t remember the walk there so I assume it wasn’t very memorable. I don’t remember if I ordered pizza but I probably did. I know that at this point I had burned through most of the $100 I had when I left the house.  I had just enough money to take a cab home.

I woke up this morning at half past noon feeling a bit hung over and my butt cheek hurting for some reason. My bike is hopefully still locked up outside the Knight Cap. Other than that and the spending too much money, all is good.

What amazes me is that I used to have nights like that all the time. It kind of puts things in perspective. I’m glad that my life has calmed down a bit but I wouldn’t even be aware of that unless I occasionally pushed the limits.

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