Love is a verb

It’s been one hell of week since my birthday. A friend asked me recently if I had recovered from my birthday yet. I assumed he was referring to the hang-over I instilled on that night so I answered, “yes”.   I’ve always been able to recover from the harm caused by alcohol. Now if he had asked me if I had recovered from my birth, that would have been a different story. I may not recover from my birth until the day I die. Until then, it may just be one long arduous process of recovery. What get’s me through is love.

Love has made this past week one of the best I’ve had in a long time. I finally saw my daughter on Monday for the first time in six months. I met with her and her therapist. This was my daughter’s condition and we had been trying for three months to bring it to fruition. For all that time, I had no idea what she was thinking or feeling. I had no idea why she wasn’t talking to me. I didn’t know whether she wanted me in her life of not.  I still have a lot of questions but I have the only answer I need. I know that she loves me and wants me in her life. She asked me to legally adopt her and I told her that I would.

I guess the biggest issue she faced in reaching out was that she didn’t want to burden me. She didn’t want to be an inconvenience. As ridiculous as that sounds to me, I’m finding that it’s a fairly common sentiment among the people I love. I find life to be a burden and rather inconvenient. I was doing just fine before I was born. Love is the one thing that gives my life meaning. The only reason I do anything is out of love. I don’t know what to do to help people understand this.

My daughter’s therapist tried to explain it to her. She said, “Love is a feeling but remember how we talked about love is also being a verb?”

At this point I was thinking, “Oh god! Not this shit!”

It’s not that I’m averse to pop psychology or meme philosophy or even song lyrics. They all have their place and they can all have value.

My problem with this “love is a verb” expression is specific to how it has played out in my life. For me it has been, “If you really loved me you would do _____”, or “How could you do _____ if you really loved me?”

For me, it has been more like the Janet Jackson’s song, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”

I get it. I understand that they way people experience love is through acts of love. We experience love not by how the lover feels but by what they do and what they do affects how we feel. It’s like how people experience God through religion. Most people don’t actually know God but they know that through religion they can feel God’s presence. Religion might be a verb but God is not a verb. To me, Love is God. I prefer this song by Ziggy Marley.

As with any religion, our faith is not measured merely by our belief but by our actions. As with many religious people I sometimes fuck up. As with many religious people, even when I am holding true to my faith I will sometimes piss people off.

All I know is that when my son was conceived it was an act of Love. All I know is that when I stuck by my pregnant friend and married her, it was an act of Love.

I know that when my friend called me in the middle of the night last Friday, I answer… because of Love.

I know that I spent three nights last week creating improvisational soundscapes for my band leader’s performance art piece… because of Love.

I know that I was sad that none of my close friends showed up… because of Love.

I know that when my band leader and h/ir wife made the cover of CityPages this week I was thrilled… because of Love.

I know that I biked across town in the middle of winter to see a friend who had a bad day at work… because of Love.

I know that I survived a fifteen hour day yesterday… because of Love… and enjoyed every minute of it… because of Love.

I know that I got out of bed today… because of Love.


I also wrote this song today. It’s a Valentine to my daughter but it is inspired by everyone I love… which means everyone. Here are the lyrics.  Sorry there is no fancy video.

I love you today
As I do everyday

Whether together or apart
You are always in my heart

Everything that I do
Everything to you I say
Comes from the love that’s deep inside
It won’t ever go away

Sometimes love is painful
It don’t feel like you think it should
No one said love would be easy
But with love I know it could

We all have our doubts
What is love all about?

It’s hard to know what to feel
When we don’t know what is real

Love is not a box of chocolates
Or a Valentine’s Day card
But look inside and you will see
The reason why I work so hard

I can’t prove it to you
It’s really nothing I can show
But I’ll try with all my actions
In the hope that you will know

I love you today
As I do everyday

Whether together or apart
You are always in my heart


Boys don’t cry

Ah… what a day.

I hate driving and so when I have to drive I try to get all my driving business done in one shot. So today I delivered City Pages, went to the co-op, got cat food, dumped my recycling, did a “break-up” exchange of borrowed items, retrieved my synth which has been on loan for three months (but only needed for a week), stopped by Target and Batteries Plus to get stuff for my pedicab (big pride weekend) and visited my parents. 

Driving around gives me a lot of time for thinking. Did I mention a break-up? Yeah, that was the big thing on my mind today. I could write a lot about that but I can’t do it without including this song:


I’ve always loved this song but I’ve never been able to relate to the bridge quite like I have today. 

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
Thought that you needed me more

I definitely misjudged limits which is easy to do. Still, I never wanted to push anyone too far – but I did.  I would never take anyone for granted  – but I did. This was a situation where I really wanted to. I really wanted to believe that I had that kind of security and so there were times where I acted as if I did. But I was really, really wrong. Perhaps I was right when I said that nothing is for certain, nothing is guaranteed – but I really want to be wrong about that. Mostly I just wish that this person needed me more. I am one of those people who loves to be needed but I’m learning to embrace that fact people can get on just fine without me. I’m just hoping that they get on better with me.

Technically, I don’t know if this is a break up. I don’t actually know what it is. I just know what it feels like and honestly, it’s one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life. I would put it up there with the way I felt when my daughter wouldn’t talk to me after her mother and I split up.

But what I find interesting is that I’m not crying about it. I’m not laughing or lying, like in the song, but I’m coping. Yes, it’s extremely painful but I feel at peace. In part that is because of what I have been through and what I have learned. My daughter and I now have a great relationship but it wasn’t achieved through fighting or forcing or falling apart, it was achieve through letting go… while never giving up. 

The other reason why I’m not crying is because I still feel so filled with love. I have so much love for this person and there is so much love around me that I know whatever happens – it will be alright. I know that this person will be alright and I know I will be alright. 

But it’s still really stressful… so now I must go dance!


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