Highlight from last night

July 30, 2013 Leave a comment

NOTE: This was meant to be posted Thursday, 25 July 2013 but time constraints, technical difficulties and the simple fact that life sucks has led to its delay.

At the coffee shop this morning:

“Hey, how are you doing?”
“I’m covered in cat hair.”

Yup, that’s how my day started. I woke up on my friends couch covered in cat hair. To me, that’s the sign of a good night. To me, that’s living. If I could start every day that way I probably would… but then, maybe not. Perhaps the balance of extremes are what allows the extremes to exist.  Let’s face it, I kind of like the extremes. Call it what you like: reckless, irresponsible, blowing off steam, obnoxious or childish but I just call it life.

One of the random strangers I ran into last night asked me what the highlight of my day was. At this point I felt like it was still too early to say but now I can. Here are some highlights from last night:

  • Discussing the happy topics of post traumatic stress and suicide at Grumpy’s bar in Northeast.
  • Seeing Al Sabola’s current rockabilly band, The Bad Companions. I’m not a huge rock rockabilly fan but when it’s done well, and all these players have been doing it well for a long time, it’s a good time for sure.
  • Seeing Courtney Yasmineh perform at the Terminal Bar. She is always a treat to see perform. Check out her website and if you get a chance to see her perform live, please do. Her song “Stones” is in my opinion one of the best songs ever written. Every time I hear it, it gives me chills.
  • Catching a ride for me and my bike to Club Jager with my friend Justice. Just crazy timing but I love how things work out sometimes.
  • Remembering how much fun Transmission with DJ Jake Rudh can be and how I really do enjoy all the beautiful people there.
  • Eating Pizza Luce Pizza. Okay, by this time I was pretty wasted and I have no idea what was on it; pretty sure there was meat but it was delicious.
  • But the number one highlight of my day was receiving a text from a friend who was having a rough day. She said she spent the evening reading through my blog and wanted me know that it helped her a lot. Knowing that something I have done has helped someone else is the best news I can get.

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The times they are a changing

July 10, 2013 Leave a comment

Fuck! It seems like weeks since I’ve written. Oh look, yup, it’s been two weeks. What could have happened in that time? Well a lot. I’ve been a busy boy but it’s all in the past now. This blog is about the moment… and about my mind and the fact is my mind has not really been in the moment lately. I am in a period of transition – just as much of the world is it seems. The past two weeks have been spent appreciating that fact and poising myself for what is to come.

I expected Pride to be different this year, what with same-sex marriage recognized both here in Minnesota and by the Supreme court. We have our first male player on a professional sports team to come out. These are major milestones in what continues to be a long struggle for equality. What I found different this year was just how “normal” being gay is (at least in Minneapolis). Pride really felt more like St. Patricks day only instead of wearing green and being Irish for a day everyone dressed in rainbows and was gay for a day. It was also a helluva lot bigger that St. Patty’s day but hey, June is a helluva lot better of a time that March to have a celebration. I don’t know how everyone else feels about gay being the new green but I’m pretty okay with it. We are all part of some minority group and we are all judged for it but if we have reached the level of acceptance enjoyed by the Irish – I can work with that. Pour me a Jamison, bitches!

But most of this “period of transition” that I have been processing is purely personal. A year ago, I was engaged to be married, had my son living with me and was seriously struggling after a suicide attempt. I wouldn’t say that my life is any less stressful now but the things I’m dealing with are quite different.

The biggest change, and the one that concerns me most, is that none of my support system over the past few years are still playing that role in my life. They have all either moved away, moved on or been kicked out. I’m not sure that is a bad thing. Much of who we are and what we do is effected by the people closest to us and I am clearly getting ready to do something different. I’m going to need some different people.

What concerns me is that none of the people that know me the best are currently keeping an eye on me. I think that I am heading in the right direction; I think that I am making good decisions; I think that things are getting better; but I could be wrong. Without anyone else around I am left to my own devices.

Perhaps that is what this blog is for. Perhaps for what comes next I am going to need all of you to be my reality check. If I’m truly to do something different I’m going to need as many different people in my life as I can find.

 

NOTE: the title of this post is an homage to Bob Dylan who is playing tonight in St. Paul.

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What I got

June 14, 2013 Leave a comment

I feel like I may have taken some artistic license with yesterday’s post. The truth is I knew what was missing from my life. I also knew where I was going to find my motivation.

What I’m missing is time with my closest friends, my peeps, my compatriots. Even though I strongly believe that everyone has value, we all matter and we should all be treated equally, there are some people who simply matter more to me. I miss spending quality time with them.  The changes that I have made in my life this year have made me less available and as a result my friends have been reaching out to me less. In a way that is a good thing. It shows that my friends are respecting and supporting my choices but I still need them. There has been this assumption that I am always too busy. That assumption is not completely accurate. Yes, I’m a creative person and I always have multiple projects that I’m working on. Yes, I deal with multiple illnesses that take up a lot of my time. Still, it’s not like I have set deadlines or really much of a schedule to speak of and no matter how sick I am I can usually muster the energy for something or someone important to me.

However, what motivated me yesterday was not missing my friends so much as it was the weather. These good weather days seem to be even more rare than time with my peeps.

After writing my blog and getting some laundry done I hopped on my bike and headed out for the day. First I swung by City Pages to pick up my check. Then I ran to Litin Everything Party-n-Paper to find decorations for my pedicab in preparation for Pride Weekend. I also got a purple sequin hat that I will probably wear tonight or tomorrow. The pride stuff included a rainbow mohawk wig, rainbow fingerless fishnet gloves, a rainbow banner and rainbow star sunglasses. I can’t wait to get pictures of it all.

Having too much stuff to fit in my backpack I headed back home to drop off my purchases. Then I headed to the 331 club for a beer and food. I used to hang out there all the time but I haven’t for quite a while. I met some other musicians there and we had a good conversation about making money with music and time management – the usual stuff.

At this point it was about 5 in the afternoon and I was itching to hit the streets on a pedicab. I wasn’t on the schedule but I thought it was worth seeing if a cab was available. I did manage to work for three hours which turned out to be the perfect amount of time. I gave five rides (two for free), made enough money and had enough time to still go out afterwards.

A friend of mine runs a game show at Grumpy’s Downtown called the $50 Pyramid. It’s a poor mans rip-off of the Pyramid game show from the 70’s and 80’s. I saw some good friends there then headed to the Nomad for Deceitful Lapwings Thursday showcase. Also on the bill were Nightinghales. I highly recommend checking out both these bands.

After all that I was hungry again so I stopped by the Hard Times Cafe for a late night breakfast and Latte. There are always interesting people there at two in the morning. I wound up being there til 4am chatting it up with lovely strangers.

All in all I would say that’s a pretty good day. It had just the right amount of everything: good weather, good friends, random strangers, good food, good conversation, good beer (and some bad), plenty of exercise and a fun job. Nothing is ever perfect but as for yesterday, I’m pretty happy with what I got.

 

 

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Fabulous friend weekend

May 28, 2013 Leave a comment

I just got back to Minneapolis from my weekend trip to Chicago for my friend’s wedding. I have an hour to kill before picking up my daughter so I’ve stopped at Caribou Coffee to use their wi-fi and see if I can whip out a blog post. I have no illusion that I will be able to do justice to the absolute amazingness of my weekend but hopefully I can share with you a little bit of how fabulous my friends are and how much they mean to me.

I’ve known about this wedding for almost a year. I knew from the first mention of it that would be making the trip to Chicago for the occasion. I have been friends with the bride for over a decade. Despite living in separate cities the entire time we have maintain and very close and meaningful friendship. We would visit each other regularly and spent many, many hours on the phone discussing everything under the sun with heavy doses of politics, philosophy and relationships. When it came to relationships, we had endless material to draw upon having both been through our share of dissatisfying and toxic relationships.

The relationship conversations have died out over the past several years as she has been seeing her now husband. It was clear to me that she had finally found someone who could appreciate her beauty and passion while fulfilling and complimenting her. I couldn’t be happier for her and I look forward to continuing our friendship and she embarks on this chapter of her life. 

Still, all the joy and anticipation that this occasion brought me would not be enough to get me to plan ahead. Even my RSVP required a reminder message from the bride. As the date approached the option to book one of the hotel rooms reserved for wedding guests faded, as did the option for an affordable plane or even bus ticket. I was left with no option but to drive and no idea where I was going to stay once I got to Chicago.

Out of desperation, yet with a heavy dose of hubris, I sent following message to all the people I knew living in the Chicago area.

Dear Chicago area friends,

I’m going to be in Chicago this weekend for a wedding (Sunday afternoon). I’ll be pulling in Friday or Saturday and leaving sometime Monday. Please let me know your availability and if you have a couch I can crash on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. This may seem last minute for something that I have known about for six months but that’s how I roll. I’m amazing, you are amazing, I know we can make this work!

Much Love, LeFreak

I received one response from one person who was going to be busy but would spread the word. I may be amazing but it was becoming clear that I am not so amazing that anyone is going to stop their amazing life just because I am coming to town; perhaps not even long enough to read a facebook message. That’s just reality folks.

I also sent a message to a friend I made while playing a show in Winona, MN a little over a year ago. We’ve only hung out a couple times since then but we relate so naturally that I feel like we became instant best friends. If there was any chance I could see her it would be worth a detour through Winona.

As it turned out she was available although she was no longer living in Winona. She was living on her parent’s farm about 40 minutes from Winona.  That sounded perfect to me. This city boy could certainly use a little time on the farm. I got that and so much more.

The next morning I made us breakfast and headed on my way to Chicago. I still had no idea where I was going to stay and my confidence that it would all work out was wavering. I pulled off the road in Madison to make phone calls to see if I could figure something out. I was starting to think that I would have to find a cheap motel somewhere in Wisconsin to spend the night.

After a few unsuccessful calls I did find someone who would be thrilled to have a visit from me. It actually turned out to be the best of all possible options. To my delight I learned that she was living with another dear friend of mine whom I hadn’t seen in far too long. As an added bonus, they live about 20 minutes from the wedding location and even closer to another musician friend of mine. I had brunch with him Sunday morning.

I could have arranged other transportation to the wedding but I chose to drive. I’m sure that if I had been able to drink more I would have found plenty of fun trouble to get into but that was not what I wanted. All I wanted was to see my friend get married and then get back to my friends who had so kindly given me safe harbor.

My plan was to drive back to Minnesota on Memorial Day for a barbeque at my parent’s house, but I wasn’t done seeing out of town friends. I realized that if I drove due west from Chicago on Highway 30 I would run into Ames, IA and the home of one of my oldest and dearest friends. How could I resist? 

I think Felix da Minivan thought it was a good idea too. My van had been giving me some brake problems over the weekend but nothing that day. Also the power drivers-side window, which stopped working just as I entered the Jane Addams Memorial Tollway, was working perfectly again. Furthermore, I got the best gas mileage I’ve ever recorded.

Now back in Minneapolis I still want to see friends. Even before going home I stopped by a friends house for a visit. I had meant to see her last week but the week vanished before I got a chance.

At every turn this weekend I was met with open arms and hospitality. I was given food, shelter, love and acceptance. I received gifts as well. I returned home with two new hats, a pair of shoes, two t-shirts, a velvet jumpsuit, “Death in Venice” by Thomas Mann, four bottles of hard cider and a purple stuffed monkey.

What have I done to deserve this kindness and generosity? I have nothing to offer except me but perhaps there is value in that. Perhaps me, just being me, is something worth being.

That is my hope. That is my dream. My goal is to get to a point where I can spend all my days just being me, traveling the country, seeing old friends and meeting new ones. I want nothing more than to share all that I have to give and receive all that the world has to offer.

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It was a good idea at the time

May 9, 2013 Leave a comment

I think I’m becoming addicted to the pedicab thing. From Friday evening until Sunday evening I spent virtually all of my waking hours working. I must have put in a good 30 hours over the weekend.

Sunday was the Mayday Parade and Festival at Powderhorn park. I has such a blast driving people around in my bicycle taxi that my face hurt from smiling so much. The rest of my body hurt too but it was pain well earned.

I decided that if the cost of sobriety was not being able to have a drink after the weekend I just had, it wasn’t worth it. I’m sure that committing to two weeks of sobriety was a good idea at the time but in that moment it just didn’t make any sense.

So where did abandoning my plan lead me?

Well, I started at the Leaning Tower of Pizza where I had a margarita. I also got a free small pizza for my Foursquare check it. Bonus! Pizza requires beer though so I ordered a Surly Furious. After that I met up with my bff at her place. We had a beer together there before heading to the 19 Bar.

I hadn’t seen her since her birthday so I figured shots were in order. We met up with a couple of our other friends so I ordered shots for the four of us, Screaming Yodas, a specialty of our bartender.

Beyond that it was a typical night of cheap beer and deep conversation on the patio. The only time I wasn’t talking to someone was when I was making out with the cutest guy at the bar. Secretly, I think he started kissing me just to shut me up. Oh well, it worked. I was actually getting worn out on all the conversation myself. I headed back into the bar so I could sit and just listen to the jukebox.

My bff and I returned to her place for one more beer and a cocktail. She finished her cocktail and I finished most of my beer. We tried to watch a movie but I didn’t make it through the opening credits before I was out. So it goes.

—

The next morning, Monday, she woke up before I did and made coffee. I think I was actually feeling a bit hung-over. It had been five days since I drank. Maybe my tolerance was low.  All I wanted to do was drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and listen to music. I plugged my phone into her stereo and played the new Cloud Cult album for her. She hadn’t heard it yet although I had posted the video to their first single off the album on her facebook wall for her birthday.

Music is such a huge part of my life and I’ve been missing it as of late. It’s been awhile since the band has done anything, and since I’ve been writing this blog, I haven’t been writing songs. I was very grateful to have rehearsal Monday night.

We are getting ready for the David Bowie Tribute show at First Avenue on May 17th.

Before rehearsal my bff and I got food at Ryan’s pub and then hit the liquor store before heading back to her place. I had a slight buzz going before getting to rehearsal but it was completely gone by the time we were done.

—

Every Sunday and Monday, Dr. Mambo’s Combo plays at Bunker’s Bar. I’ve been seeing this band play for 25 years. It’s a cover band, mostly funk, soul and pop, but it’s made up of some of the best musicians in the city. Some of the members have changed over the years, or some of the members are different from week to week as regular members are out on tour, but some members go all the way back to the 1980’s heyday of music in Minneapolis. You never know who might show up and sit in with them. Even on an off night, as Monday seemed to be, it’s always an amazing time.

I had tried to see them the week before but wasn’t let in. I know now that it was just a fluke. This night I rode up on my bike with a stuffed backpack wearing tights, a vest and a jester’s hat and they let me in no problem. Their only question was if I had any booze in my backpack.

I said,”No, I was hoping you would have some here.”

Like I said, my buzz was gone and I really wanted to get a drink in me. After a couple more I was right as rain. I was dancing and talking to people and having the time of my life.

I wasn’t the only one have a good time. It seemed like everyone was, but one guy in particular caught my eye. He looked like he had come directly from some corporate job. He was wearing suit pants and a blue business suit. He had shed the tie and jacket but was still clearly corporate  He was also dancing his ass off, his hair, a little too long, flopping back and forth. It made me sad. I knew that this person had more spirit and passion than his work garb would indicate.

He came by me and I gave him a nod, “I hope your job appreciates your creativity.”

He said, “Man, I used to be a painter… now I just push numbers around.”

He wound up buying me a beer and a shot as we commiserated about selling your soul for the corporate cause.  As the bar close approached I still had a beer and a half in front of me. I explained to the bartender that they had been bought for me and that I wanted to do my best to finish them but when it was time to go, all they had to do was let me know.

By the time I got home it was after two in the morning. All the houses on my block were dark and I was feeling pretty good. I went inside, stipped off all my clothes and then walked butt naked out into the middle of the street.

I stood there for a moment, all alone in my sleeping universe and I though, “This is what freedom feels like!”

And it did. That is what freedom feels like to me. It’s not just the being naked aspect. It’s not just the fact that for the first time this year it was actually warm enough in the middle of the night to be outside naked. It was doing exactly what I wanted to do knowing that I was harming no one. Sometimes it’s the little things that matter the most.

In any case, that wouldn’t have happened sober. I’m all for sobriety… in moderation. I’m just glad I didn’t try to push it too far.

And maybe my life could benefit from drinking a little less, but maybe not. I didn’t drink at all Tuesday night. I didn’t do much of anything else though either. I really wanted to do some writing but all I could bring myself to do was lay in bed, eat shitty food and watch TV. At least I didn’t have to worry about my BAC when I went to work delivering City Pages this morning. It’s a yin and yang sort of thing.

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Keep buggering on

April 24, 2013 Leave a comment

It had to end sometime. I knew I couldn’t keep going like that forever, although I certainly tried. One day I was going to wind up dropping. One day I would have to accept that I live with chronic illness. One day is was all going to come to a screeching halt.

That day was yesterday. After sleeping twelve hours I was awakened by a phone call from my bff. Even though I had gotten twice as much sleep as I usually requires, I still couldn’t move. Every inch of my body was in pain. My brain felt scrambled and I couldn’t focus on anything. Even my vision was blurry. I struggled to muster the strength to make it downstairs to the bathroom only to find that I had exhausted all my energy and crawled back to bed. I spend the entire day in bed only moving to use the bathroom or get food. Chewing seemed like an arduous task.

It’s been awhile since I have had a day like that but there was a time when it was my reality more often than not. It has been a long road to get here from the time I first got sick with chronic fatigue syndrome but it never really goes away. It is still common for me to have a day or two a week that are like that. The biggest change is in what I can do when I am able to move.

—

Last Wednesday should have done me in. I’m pretty sure that if I had gone home after delivering CityPages, it would have.  Instead, I went to the Bad Waitress for dinner and then to the bar. My bff met me there and I crashed on her couch. We had brought a friend back to her place with us because he was concerned about going home to his boyfriend. It sounded like he was in a pretty abusive relationship and his boyfriend had a gun – not a good combination. He had threatened him with the gun in the past. The three of us stayed up talking into the wee hours of the morning. The plan was for the boy to spend the night but I don’t even remember falling asleep. All I know is that when I woke up he was gone. We did get a txt from him later to let us know he was okay.

My bff had the day off on Thursday but she still got up with me so we could have coffee together. After a leisurely cup of coffee with my best friend I was off and running… and running late. I had to stop by another best friend’s place to drop off some newspapers to help in her packing. She was moving this month.

I really hope that I can do more to help but that may not happen. The important thing is not what we have to give, but that we give what we have. If we all pull together and do that, things will be okay.

Then next stop was picking up my daughter from school. I was twenty minutes late picking her up. Half of that was me running late, the other half was the weather. I was not alone in being late picking up my kid. There were lots of kids waiting to be picked up. We were under blizzard conditions and the roads were treacherous. I was really excited to take my daughter to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts for their Third Thursday event. Unfortunately, I didn’t think that would be wise considering the weather. It was hard enough driving during daylight. I didn’t trust myself to be able to get her home after dark. I hate driving at night even under perfect conditions.

Instead, I just dropped her off at her mother’s and headed home. By the time I got home, I had just enough time to shovel my sidewalk (it was already covered with snow by the time I left again), take a piss, rub one out quick, take a shower and get dressed before hopping on the bus. There was no way I was driving anymore and biking seems totally out of the question but I still needed to get to the MIA. I was running on pure adrenaline.

The reason why getting to the MIA was so important to me was because Lisa Germano was playing. She is the woman who borrowed my synth for South by Southwest and I was really looking forward to meeting her. As it turned out, she cancelled the gig. I guess she canceled the whole tour. I don’t know why. Her website has no explanation but these things happen. Kaiser Cartel also canceled and there is no info on their website either.

Oh well. My friend, Savannah Smith filled in at the last minute, so it was good to see her. My bff went with me and another friend who I hadn’t seen in a while joined us as well. Back when we were all single we used to be kind of three peas in a pod. It was good to have that gang back together.

Still, I was struggling. The weather was really wearing me down. As it turned out, it was probably better that my daughter was not there as I was exhausted by the barriers that were being placed before me.

Don’t I have it hard enough?

I keep going because I am afraid to stop. I know when I stop it is really hard to get going again. I feel like I am running while leaning forward. The only thing that keeps me from falling on my face is that I keep moving. I am constantly falling yet constantly moving. Just like the earth is falling into the sun but keeps missing it. It’s physics.

I keep hoping that it will get easier. I keep hoping that Spring will come. I see signs of hope. I see the snow melt. I feel relief is in sight but it never comes. I just have to keep buggering on.

While at the MIA I was asked how I keep my spirits up. I just raised the beer in my hand and shrugged my shoulders.

The truth is that alcohol is a major part of what keeps me going – that and friends, but in my life, the two are pretty intertwined. Music, writing and biking also keep me going but they don’t mean shit without people.

So I decided I would kidnap my two friends and drag them to my work party. It’s not really what you think of when you think, “work party”. I work for CityPages and they throw some of the best parties in town. This one was a roaring 20’s / bootlegger / flapper themed party. Check out some of these pictures from my friend Erik Hess. None of us were appropriately dressed but that didn’t matter. When I walked in I was told that I was dressed in the wrong decade. I responded that I am every decade. Okay, I was dressed in leopard print pants and probably looked straight out of the ’80 glam metal era but so fucking what.

Since I kidnapped them I figured I should pay for the cab. Apparently all of us had money that night because we were all fighting to pay for each other. I’m telling you, if you want to stimulate the economy; give money to poor people. We will spend it! I was fully prepared to spend the $100 I left the house with. Mostly, I just knew that it would be a challenging night and I didn’t want money to stand in the way of me getting home safe. I have no problem spending money on cabs.

As it turned out we didn’t need to take a cab back. Our friend’s girlfriend came and joined us later in the evening. It was great to have a sober ride home. Well, not home, but to the 19 bar. We were too sober to head home but plenty drunk enough to get into a snowball fight – in the car! You kind of had to be there but feel free to use your imagination. I’m not a good enough writer to do it justice.

After the 19 my bff and I headed back to her place with one of her co-workers. On the walk, we had to stop and make snow angels. It’s kind of a winter tradition for us but our first attempt this year didn’t work out so well. I never thought that we would be fulfilling this mission in April.

Snow Angel in April

I love the imprint of my studded belt.

 

The co-worker only stuck around for a little while waiting for her bus. My bff and I stayed up until at least four in the morning. It was a pretty intense night after a pretty intense day. We talked about the death of her best friend and about the significance of our friendship.

I say it all the time but I don’t know if I have ever written it down: this is the best friendship I have ever had – and I have some of the most amazing friendships a person could ever dream of. This woman is just so special to me that I never feel like I have adequate words to describe our relationship. It’s like no other relationship I have ever had. It’s like no other relationship I have ever heard of. It’s like the best parts of family combined with the best parts of friendship combined with the best parts of romance – except without the sex. That is not to say that we don’t have our problems. Our relationship may include some of the worst parts as well. All I can say is that it is amazing, unbelievable and completely unique.

We shared tears that night. We felt incredibly close and vulnerable. I asked if I could sleep in her bed with her. I like to snuggle. She doesn’t usually like this. She likes her freedom to move around. Also, I sometimes grab her boobs in my sleep. I can see how that might make her uncomfortable. On this night however, she was happy to have someone to sleep with.

It was hard enough for my friend to get up Friday morning. I wasn’t as much help as I could have been but I’m sure me being in her bed helped. As it was she was running late for work. I was figuring I wouldn’t be working at all. It still looked like fucking winter outside. In Minnesota, people drive pedicab all year round but even I think that is stupid. I called the pedicab company in hopes that they would tell me that there was no point in coming in. That is not what happened.

They said, “It’s Friday night, there is a big Styx, REO Speedwagon & Ted Nugent show in town and the streets have been cleared.”

Okay, I thought. I’m new at this and they know better than I. If they want me, I’m going to be there. Plus, I know that if I want to keep going I need to stay consistent.  Even if I have a bad night I need to keep buggering on.

I got up, did a load of dishes, went to the store to get cat litter and Drano, came back and changed the cat box, cleared the drain in the bathroom sink and did another load of dishes. Then I hopped on the bus to go home. I still needed to take a shower, shave and wash my blanket for the pedicab. I don’t remember but I’m pretty sure I took time to jack-off as well. As crazy as my life was feeling, I knew that what I was going through was nothing compared to the folks on lockdown in Boston.

Friday was a pretty shitty night; at least it started out that way. I didn’t get a single ride off the big concert at the Target Center. I started working at 8pm but I didn’t start getting rides until after midnight. It still turned out alright. Gay men and drunks are my bread and butter and they totally saved my ass. I know my people.

Saturday was a nicer day so I figured I would go in even earlier. I also wanted to make sure my pedicab was in top working form. It seemed to be but I still was having problems, I presume do to the weather. It was still too fucking cold. Anyway, Saturday was a fun night. Technically, the best night I have had to date. It was also the most exhausting. By the time I was done at 3am, I was beat, and it was snowing. I sent my bff a message to see if I could crash at her place. She lives much closer to the garage than I do and I didn’t think I could make it home. Even if I could, the bike ride in the snow would have been hell.

Sunday morning I woke up on my bff’s couch once again. She wouldn’t have to get up for another few hours but I needed coffee. I also needed a smoke and nobody likes smelling cigarette smoke while they are sleeping. I gathered my things and headed out the door. I still had no real plan.

In the entryway to her apartment building, sitting on top of the mailboxes were a pair of Roland MA-8’s. “Holy shit!”, I thought. These would be perfect for making music on my laptop. I couldn’t believe that someone would just be giving them away. I figured someone in the process of carrying things in and had just set them down. I went outside and had a smoke on the steps while I contemplated what to do. After 10 minutes, no one had come back for the speakers so I figured they were mine. Wow, sometimes the universe is so awesome!

I had been tempted to just head home but after that I figured I should just keep buggering on and see where this day takes me. I love Sundays and I love drinking with people who drink on Sundays. I’m not saying that it was the brightest decision in the world but you are free to judge for yourself.

Here is what happened:

  • CC Club for breakfast – coffee, 2 screwdrivers and a veggie omelet.
  • Conversation on the patio with a conservative about the smoking  ban. We actually agreed on somethings.
  • Two beer.
  • Played darts with a friend and his buddy. They were celebrating my friend getting fired. I won at darts.
  • Started my bike ride home stopping off at the Saloon, a gay bar downtown.
  • $3 gin and tonics. Gay bar strong. Must have had 3. I was pretty drunk.
  • Sat down with a pretty 22 year old college student who didn’t look like she should be drinking alone. This was true. Even her friend who was txting her hoped that she wasn’t drinking alone. She took a liking to me. Started making out with me at the bar. I’m not one to complain about a hot college co-ed wanting to makeout with me but this was a gay bar and I do have a reputation to maintain.
  • I literally poured her into a cab. The cab driver insisted that I come with – not really his job to take care of her. I agreed. There was no telling where this would lead. She was all over me – biting me – I like biting. My judgement was a bit off but I would never have sex with someone that drunk. Still, there is a lot of fun that can be had that falls short of sex.
  • I get her to her destination and the cab takes off. The woman also makes it clear that she is done for the night. Luckily, I took that cab drivers number. He comes back and returns me to the Saloon where my bike is locked up.
  • From there I head to my friend Doug Anderson’s new bar for a drink. It’s called the Belmore/New Skyway Lounge. I hadn’t been there yet and I wanted to check it out. Call it reconnaissance, not just for the band but as a pedicab driver as well. It’s a great space and the bartender was awesome. Unfortunately, we were the only two people there the entire time. I sincerely hope that he does better on the weekends. I’m sure he does.
  • It’s still early so I thought I would hit Bunker’s and catch one of my favorite bands, Dr. Mambo’s Combo. I pulled up to the door on my bike and the bouncer told me to keep moving. Okay, I thought. I’m pretty drunk, maybe I should just go home. I got about a block away and realized that he did not have enough interaction with me to make that assessment. He had no idea who I was, so I headed back to talk to him. This was not cool. His mind was made up. He didn’t care who I was. He was being a prick and he was sticking to it. Fair enough.
  • Next attempt was BJ’s, a strip club. They had me pegged as someone to not let in off of their surveillance cameras. Seriously, they judged me solely on the fact that I was riding a bike and had an overstuffed backpack.  I even had a nice conversation with the bouncer but there was nothing he could do.
  • At this point I was determined to get another drink. I stopped in at Halak’s. No bouncer, no security camera, no problem. I had a beer there and then headed out for a smoke. I decided that it was time to move on but headed back in to hand the bartender another $5 for not judging me. He said I was no problem and was welcome there anytime. This is why I love dive bars!
  • The queen of all dive bars is the T-shop in my neighborhood. I don’t go there very often because they are usually closed by the time I get home. They are a beer-only bar and usually close by midnight. This night I was getting home well before midnight. I really do love this bar. I love Debbie the bartender. Also sitting at the bar was another famous musician in town. He’s the lead singer in a Tom Petty cover band.  We are both talented musicians and songwriters who make our way in the world playing other people’s music. We had a great conversation about that.

Judge me however you want but there was a movie in that night. Maybe I should have just gone home and had my day of doing nothing on Sunday but I wouldn’t have missed that day for anything. Sure, maybe I would have been able to move on Monday if I had, but Monday would never have been as exciting as that.

There is a saying, “Don’t judge me until you have walked a mile in my shoes.” Fuck, I don’t give a shit if anyone walks in my shoes. Judge me all you want. I just hope that you will take the time to walk a mile in your own shoes. Most people don’t even do that!

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Burning the candle at both ends

April 17, 2013 1 Comment

I don’t know whether to be embarrassed or proud but I did it. I managed to get through the day. I woke up this morning at exactly 10am in an absolute panic.

I ask myself, “What day is it? What do I have to do today?”

“Oh yeah, it’s Wednesday. I have to deliver CityPages and shit I’m running late!”

While driving to the paper it dawned on me that today was the big Best of the Twin Cities issue.  It’s three times as big as a regular issue with a glossy cover and hard spine. This is the biggest issue of the year and a good deal more work to deliver. It’s the kind of day where getting a good night’s sleep would have really helped.

That’s not what happened though. Instead I stayed up until four in the morning talking on the phone and drinking. What was I thinking?

My plan was to spend the evening writing a new blog post. I have a couple great ideas for articles I want to write. Instead I wound up going over and over my last post, rewriting and correcting errors. Turns out I’m a pretty shitty writer, especially when I’m drunk. Sure the words flow easier when I’m lubricated but perhaps that is not always a good thing. Since my blog is starting to get some attention I think I owe it you, the reader, a fresh re-read in the morning before hitting that “publish” button.

By the way, I did just reread that last post and still made a few corrections. I offer no guarantee that future posts will be much better. I really need an editor!

So I never got to writing last night. Instead I took the time to drunk dial some of my friends. I got to talk to one of my closest friends who lives out of state. We only had about 10 minutes to talk but it was really good to catch up.

I went on facebook to see which of my friends were up. There I found a musician friend of mine who I hadn’t heard from or seen in months. I’m used to him randomly drunk dialing me but it had been quite a while since that happened. I wanted to know how he was doing so I gave him a call. Turns out the reason I hadn’t heard from him was because he has been sober for the past three months.

I told him I thought that was wonderful and promised my support in any way possible. We talked about sobriety, the importance of friends, bands, music, songwriting, and writing in general. We talked for almost three hours.

By this time, I figured that one of the mutual friends we had been talking about would be home from the bar. I decided to give her a call. I knew that she would also be supportive of our friend’s sobriety. I talked to her for a couple minutes and then she handed the phone to her co-worker who was hanging out with her.

I don’t know if I have ever talked to my friend’s co-worker before but we talked for a good half hour last night. This was another great, deep conversation about age, knowledge and wisdom.

Next thing I knew it was approaching four in the morning. I really needed to get some sleep. I needed to work in the morning. Really, what was I thinking? I never should have gone to the liquor store the day before the Best of… issue.

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Such is life

April 9, 2013 Leave a comment

Okay… so where the fuck was I? I really haven’t written about my daily life in a week. From that we can assume it was one hell of a week! S0 let’s see if we can catch up.

Wednesday: Worked. That’s all I can remember. I’m sure I did more but it has escaped me.

Thursday: Saw my daughter. Went out with a friend from high-school. Actually, he’s not really a friend from high school. We did go to high-school together and we did know each other but he was more a jock / party guy and I was a musician / druggie. Anyway… we are friends now and it was awesome to hang out with him. We had a great time. He crashed in my bed… I crashed on my couch – he’s totally hot… but married… to a woman. Nothing happened.

Friday:  Woke up still a little buzzed. Kind of drank throughout the day… slowly. I still had to work pedicab that night so I took a nap.

Friday night – Sunday day:  One big blur of driving pedicab.

Sunday night: 19 bar. Saw good friends. Crashed on my bff’s couch. Actually fell asleep as she was telling a story, butt naked on her couch, halfway through the shot of tequila she poured for me.

Monday: Made coffee for my friend so she could get to work on time. She got called off til 12:30pm but I’m still glad that she got up earlier so we could have some sober time together. Did some dishes before going to my therapy appointment. Then I went to a massage appointment. Then I had coffee with a good friend that I’ve experienced a bit of a falling out with. Things seem to be better now… one step at a time.

Today: Yeah, I was hoping to write last night but by the time I got home I was too exhausted. I watched Doctor Who and fell asleep. Got up early but got more absorbed in reading than writing. Reading more is one of my goals so not a bad thing. I did get distracted by a couple phone calls. That kind of did me in so I took a nap before going to pick up my daughter. I’m still planning on writing something amazing tonight but I’m starting to doubt whether that will happen. It’s 11pm and I have to deliver papers in the morning. Once again I got side-tracked by reading other people’s blogs and making comments. Oh well… such is life!

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When one door opens, god closes a window

April 4, 2013 1 Comment

One of the best lessons that I have learned from living with chronic illnesses is that I can’t do everything… at least not all at once. We all have limits. We all have to contend with the limits of the human body. Some bodies may be more capable than other but they all have limits. We can work on increasing those limits but that takes time and effort and takes away from doing other things. All earthlings are restricted to 24 hours in a day. Everyday, each one of us needs to eat, sleep and shit. Some people need more, some need less. Some can accomplish more, some less, but we all have a limit to what we can accomplish. We all have good days and bad days but none of them go one forever and even good days have to come to an end.

I feel like I’ve been having a lot of good days lately. I’m really excited about writing this blog. I’m excited about starting a new job. I really like doing the pedicab thing.  I like having money again. My relationship with my daughter is going very well. I’m so grateful to be spending regular time with her again. I’m relieved that my bff and I were able to work through our conflict from last Friday. Through that experience I learned some important lessons and I believe it made our relationship even stronger. My body is getting stronger too. I’ve been smoking less and drinking less and all those things are good. I’ve been a very busy boy, life is on the upswing and much has been accomplished in the pursuit of my goals and dreams.

But… for all of my accomplishments there are areas where I fall short of my expectations. For every success comes failure. I totally spaced my therapy appointment on Tuesday. I’m not doing yoga which is also something that really helps me. I’m not spending as much time with my friends as I would like. I’m not reading as much as I would like. I haven’t been writing or playing music. I’m way behind on laundry and cleaning. My van needs repairs, as do things around the house, but I haven’t been able to get to them yet. My to-do list keeps getting longer. I don’t know how I’m ever going to get everything done. The reality may be that I can’t. The reality is that I need help. They reality is that I can’t do it alone.

I’ve often heard that I don’t have my priorities right. I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating what that means. To be honest, it has me at quite a loss. Beyond making sure that I am available for my kids when they need me or respond in a crisis, I have no idea how to prioritize.

My only priority is to the present moment. The most important thing in my life is what I am doing right now for it is the only thing I can do. Whatever I can manage to accomplish with this moment that is meaningful, productive, loving or real is the best that I can hope to achieve. If I can make each and every waking moment significant in one way or another I would consider that a pretty amazing life. I can’t say that every moment has gone that way but most of them have. For all the things I may never get to, my tribute is doing all that I do.

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Cruel to be kind

March 30, 2013 1 Comment

She said, “Just leave the keys on the table and leave! That way if we ever talk again it won’t be some codependent sort of thing.”

That struck a nerve with me. I had been trying to resolve the issue the best I could and I’m pretty good at working through conflict. I didn’t want it to come to this. We had been in this place before, many times before, and it always ends the same. We love each other. We need each other. Not in a co-dependent sort of way, but in a family, love each other no matter what, meant for each other, don’t want to live without each other sort of way.

That’s how I felt. I didn’t want to just give up only to go through hell only to wind up right back in the most amazing friendship I have ever known. I actually didn’t think I could go through it again. I kind of felt like we had been through this enough to the point where we would never have to go through it again. I finally felt safe. I thought these kinds of fights were over. Can I do this again? I have limits. I have needs. I have to know when enough is enough.

So when she said the word, codependent, I thought, “Yeah, I don’t want to be that person.”

I put the keys on the table and left.

I do want to take a side note here and express my annoyance with the term codependent. It might be important for assessing my state of mind.

Codependent is a term that comes straight out of Alcoholics Anonymous. I’m not bashing on AA. It works for some people and I’m very grateful for that. It worked for me at one point in my life and I am very grateful for all it has tough me. My point is that codependent has a very specific meaning and it has been co-oped to refer to a number of other forms of unhealthy relationships that have nothing to do with addiction or alcohol dependence. It has also been been co-oped to refer to relationships that are not codependent at all but are actually loving interdependent healthy relationships, usually between one or more unhealthy people. By the way, I’ve never met a completely healthy person, only people who pretend to be healthy, which in my mind is pretty fucking sick. Just saying…

I am probably the epitome of what it means to NOT be codependent. If anything I am way too independent but I am trying to change that. I’m a guy who feels totally alone in the world but I think that is stupid. There are far to many lonely people for anyone to need to feel alone. When I find someone that I can connect with in a very real way I embrace that. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t think that is codependency. I think that is healthy. I think that is love.

Love takes trust. I understand that trust is not easy for everyone. I know that people doubt me sometimes. I doubt me a lot. But I never doubt my intentions. Loving me means knowing me well enough to know that I would never mean you harm. When people pull away from me because of something that I did that hurt them I can’t help but consider that there has been a loss of trust.

Before I left my friends apartment she said that she would now know that her privacy wouldn’t be violated. This concerned me. I actually don’t have much concern for privacy myself… obviously. I wouldn’t be writing this blog if I did, but I do have concern for her privacy. I asked her if she ever felt like I violated her privacy. She said that she hadn’t and I felt relieved.

I left her apartment and had a smoke on the steps before getting on my bike. Luckily, I was awake enough, sober enough, had enough energy and the weather was nice enough that that 7-8 mile bike ride home was not of life threatening concern – sometimes it is. This was not one of those nights where I was spending the night on her couch because I might die if I didn’t. This was a night where I was planning on spending the night because we really enjoy each other’s company.

So what went wrong?

I can really only speak from my perspective. I do have insight into how my friend was feeling but I don’t think that it is appropriate to speak for anyone but myself. She can comment here or with me directly if she wants. This is my space and I use it to speak my point of view.

We were leaving our final of our four venues for the evening. As we were unlocking our bikes she mentioned that she was made to feel uncomfortable by the looks she got when she was leaving. I asked if it might be her fear that was causing her to feel this way and perhaps not the actions of any individual. I told her that I was actually feeling very safe. This seemed to piss her off as she assured me that she was not afraid. I tried to clarify that I wasn’t saying she was afraid, only that her fear, which we all have, may have been coloring her perception.

Yeah, that didn’t go over very well. I wasn’t being accusatory, I was simply curious. I guess sometimes people don’t want you to ask questions, they just want you to shut the fuck up and listen. I sometimes forget that; sometimes my inquisitive mind gets the best of me.

This time it got me being called a dick. I didn’t think that was appropriate. I don’t like being called names. I told her that I didn’t think that was necessary. I’m really trying to do a better job of standing up for myself when I feel like I am being mistreated. I let a lot of things just roll off my back but I’m not sure that is always helpful.

She said, “Then stop being a dick.”

“Okay”, I though, “if that is the way you want to play…”. And I told her, “Then stop being a bitch!”

I didn’t know how I thought that would help but at this point I didn’t know what would so I figured I would play along. This was met with, “Fine, just go home and leave me alone.”

That may have been a perfectly reasonable solution. I totally could have made it home. I was pretty sure she would have made it home as well. I was more like 10 miles from home but my main concern was about her. In any case, I just felt like we were safer together so I shut the fuck up and we rode the rest of the way back to her place in silence.

Well, except for when I hit a pot hole that knocked my bike lock loose and I had to stop. She stopped too. She waited for me to get myself going again. I though that might have been a good sign that she actually cared about me. I fucking hate that I have any doubts that she actually cares about me. The fact that those thoughts even pass through my head make me feel kind of crazy.

But then I have to wrap my head around this: once we got back to her apartment I told her that what she said hurt me.

She responded, “Good, you should be hurt!”

I simply don’t understand that. I do a lot of fucked up things but I never want to be hurt anyone. I get that I do things that hurt other people but when they let me know I feel sadness, not glee. For anyone who claims to love me to want me to be hurt just confuses the fuck out of me.

As much as I love this song I have never quite understood it’s point.

Having this space to write is very helpful to me. I actually don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t just write about this. Actually, I do. I’ve been through it before and it’s not pretty.

So, I could really use your help. If you have any insight or commiseration I would love to know what other people think. I really want to know what my friend is thinking but in the meantime I want to use this time to connect with you. I think this is a very human experience and I would like it to enhance me rather than defeat me. My hope is that through my pain we can make the world a better place, together.

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