The first day of the rest of my life

November 6, 2013 Leave a comment

Yesterday was the start of something new. There was no fanfare or ribbon-cutting ceremony but it did mark the day that I turned my focus to the future. Even so, it turned out to be not much different than any other day. Thomas Dolby being in town was not the distraction I feared it would be. I just kept doing the next thing and going to a concert never became one of them. I did still find plenty of things to distraction me.

I spent a good deal of time poking around facebook and reading various blogs. I’ve really been enjoying Kenneth Justice’s blog The Culture Monk and Lauren Cropper’s Between Fear and Love. I spent a little too much time watching TV shows on Netflix. I’ve started watching the BBC series, Sherlock. It’s a great stand-in while waiting for Doctor Who to return. Sometimes it’s hard for me to sit down and watch an hour and a half long drama so I’ve also been watching the sitcom, Don’t Trust the B—– in Apt. 23. Funny, but for some reason I can watch four episodes in a row of that show. I think it reminds me of some of my friends.

I did do some things that were a little more productive. I did some dishes, laundry and took care of some accounting work. I spent an hour playing guitar which was inspiring. I also managed to vote, the only thing I absolutely had to do yesterday.

So far my activities have been of the maintenance variety. These are the things that just allow me to keep treading water but don’t actually move me forward. That may just be the way things go for a while but eventually that won’t be enough to keep me busy. I will be forced to make progress because I won’t have anywhere else to go.

For me, this is where self-motivation comes from. Deadlines are good but boredom and passion are better. I’m a great procrastinator but eventually I run out of distractions and nothing left to do but everything I have to do. It’s in that moment that shit starts happening. The only time I ever get anything done is “right now”.

I have my goals and dreams but there is no clear path as to how to get there. I will keep documenting progress on my goals but I’m reluctant to specifically identify what they are. Maybe I will, but for now I will hesitate. I know that my goals will change over time. I know that I will change over time and I know that when I finally achieve my goals that it won’t look anything like I currently imagine.

Most people wait until after they have accomplished something great to write about it. Then they can look back and say, “that’s how it’s done”. But that’s not how its done. Goals are achieved in the moment. That’s why I’m writing about this as I go. To me, the process is more important than the goal.

It’s already not going as planned or as expected. I expected that I would be spending these first two weeks of November unable to do anything. I expected that I would find the road ahead so overwhelming that I would slip into a deep depression.  I figured that might take up to two weeks but eventually I would either give up and quit or I would decide that killing myself was not an option and that I had no choice but to move forward.

Instead I had my break-down / break-through / spiritual awakening two weeks ago. While it was nothing like I imagined it would be, it might be fair to say that I am two weeks ahead of schedule. In truth, I am still now and always will be right on time.

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All the time in the world

March 25, 2013 Leave a comment

I had no intention of going out Saturday night. In fact, I had every intention of staying in and writing. I hadn’t been able to write since leaving home Thursday afternoon and I was longing for it. I was needing to write but as my lazy Saturday afternoon wore on into a lazy Saturday evening and the sun vanished from the sky, the fact that Saturday night had arrived was inescapable, as was the fact that I was not yet home. I had delayed my bike ride home as long as I could but the time had come where I could delay no more. In the end, no writing would get done.

But what if it had; what if I had spent Saturday night at home writing? What would I have written about? What stories could I have told? Much had happened over the past few days. Many adventures had come and gone. Many connections were made, revelations,  inspirations, declarations and many questions. As that time has now past, I am left to wonder what could have happened.

I could have written of seeing my parents after nearly three months and how I learned to accept their offerings as gifts without expectation or demand but as tokens of who they are and what they have to give.

I could write of a man I met at the Depot who traveled half way around the world to find the money needed to care for his family. It would be a wonderful story of honor, responsibility and sacrifice.

I could write of seeing Mark Mallman and Gospel Gossip perform Thursday night. I could tell a story of Minneapolis music fans who give their love so quickly only to let if fade a year later as their gaze shifts to the latest, greatest thing. Oh, I could write a lot about that.

I could tell of my dream to become a pedicab driver and the journey of personal growth which led me down this path. I would write of my hopes for where this journey will lead me.

I could write of chaos in the medicaid system. I would write about how my medical coverage got deactivated because I didn’t pay my premium because I didn’t get a bill because my medical coverage got deactivated.

I could write of the benefits to treating social service workers with kindness and respect. I could write of the great things that can be accomplished when people work together for a common goal.

I could write a story of Native American pride and my admiration for the ability to avoid violence.

I could tell you about the blast I had at the first Mix Up! dance event at the Blue Nile. I could expound on the power of dance and about meeting new friends and potential lovers.

I could tell of a friendship thirty years in the making, of destiny and fate. It would be a story of self acceptance and embracing diversity to find our higher purpose.

I could write about all these things and perhaps one day I will. For now, all I can do is acknowledge that they are out there. They are moments which have past, yet still live on within me and within those who shared them with me. Some may fade away and eventually be forgotten and some will continue to evolve as time goes on.

I will never regret a missed opportunity, only my failure to seize the opportunity which stands before me right now. Each moment has been meticulously designed, just for me, by each moment which has come before. To reject this moment in the belief that there is something better, somewhere else, is to reject the unique opportunity which has been presented only to me, which only I can fulfill.

Opportunities are never ending. As for running out of time, I have no fear of that. In all my days on this planet the universe has not failed me once in providing more time. Perhaps, one day, I will be proven wrong but until that happens I will continue to believe that I have all the time in the world.

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